Emilie The Extreme
I have a problem.
Since the age of 14 I have been single for a total of 10 months. I’m 30.
The latest episode in my cumbersome love life resulted in an epiphany of sorts and I did the maths.
The sum of my relationship anguish is 15 years and two months. A painstaking 15 years and two months of emotional bull shit. In finer detail: 132,840 hours, 7,970,400 minutes or 478, 224,000 seconds.
And of those 15 years and 2 months, I have spent 5 years with depressives, 4 years with abusers, 3 years with stalkers, 2 years with alcoholics and 1 year and 2 months with a cross dressing fetishist.
I have had 17 serious relationships, 8 marriage proposals, 7 live-in lovers and three engagement rings.
In light of my recent epiphany, I phoned my close friends and family for their low-down on my extreme love life. When I asked the dreaded question: “if someone asked you about me and my relationships, what would you say?” they responded as follows:
“Emilie had just come out of bad relationship when I met her. I thought it was a one off” - Kate, friend and fellow sufferer
“In the past Em has ‘chosen’ anyone just to be with someone” - Louise, concerned best friend
“I wish she’d just go out with a nice man who wears a suit, has a job and doesn’t smoke or drink. Her boyfriends always look like hippies, move in straight away and sponge off her” - Sandy, exasperated mother
“…I’m always surprised by her choice in men. She doesn’t go out with the kind of guy I’d expect her to; she’s motivated, ambitious and on it and they always seem quirky but lost” - Jill, friend and Diplomat.
“A new one for Christmas” - David, father
“Every year a different man moves in. Where do they all come from?” - Tony, neighbour
“Emilie is a free spirit. She goes wherever the wind blows but right now, she’s flying free. I only hope it stays that way” - Grandmother
Now, I am a strong, successful and independent women. Despite this, I often end up with men who are flawed beyond belief. I like to justify my behaviour by saying I’m tolerant; after all it is a great quality to accept people as they are and we all know that men can’t be changed. But this poses the question, when does tolerance become desperation?
And why do I, a successful and independent women, ‘choose’ these men as my friend Louise suggests?
I don’t think I’m the only woman who has been in a string of unhealthy relationships to fulfill a strong need for romantic love. The reality is that as a single person of 6 months, I’m happier than I have ever been. But I am scared that I’ll instantly fall in love with a reprobate should the possibility present itself to me.
And so, I have decided to compile a list of flaws that are simply not acceptable in any relationship. And I would like your help.
To get the list started, here are three flaws that I feel are non-negotiable:
- Don’t pay for the first date. My most recent romantic episode started with my date phoning me: “I’m really embarrassed but I’ve left my debit card at home, and don’t have any money with me”. Instead of rearranging the date, I replied, “aw sweetie. Don’t worry! You can pay next time!” Not only did this result in him thinking I was minted and expecting me to pay for the subsequent 3 dates, I had also committed myself to seeing him again before I’d met him. And, I had to give him his bus fare home.
- Non-Nasal Bogies. I was once proposed to by a man who had mouth bogies: a sticky residue that permanently resided at the edges of his very wide mouth. He gave the most fabulous oral sex but I have a sensitive gag reflex which kicked in whenever he lent in to kiss me.
- Body Odour. “I don’t wash very often”, a date once said. “Does that bother you?”
Any woman who is too tolerant, a tad desperate or generous of heart can look on this in times of need.
So, what would you count as a non-negotiable flaw and why?
*This article is my first post for Lancashire Style Magazine where I write ad-hoc articles about anything that takes my fancy and will soon host the Agony Aunt column.
