Public Emilie

Scrounge on the Farm: The Follow Up

mybloggywog — Sat, 19 May 2012 08:46:00 -0400

Lounge on the Farm claim I am single-handedly campaigning to slur their good name. They, and some of the young musicians who play at the festival, have exhibited abusive and threatening behaviour towards me both online and in emails.

On a more positive note, musicians and non-musicians alike have been debating online about the issues raised in my blog, some in agreement, and some not, and I will write a follow-up about these debates in the near future. For now, I would like to let you know what has been happening since my original Scrounge on the Farm blog, any progress that has been made and also to reinstate my views as I feel they were not fully represented in the recent Canterbury Times article (purely due to column inch limits!).

Over the years, multiple complaints against this festival have not been properly dealt with. As a local musician I chose to speak out about this on my blog. The original blog was based on genuine conversations and interviews with local musicians and not on here-say. And I hope that Lounge on the Farm accept that these complaints come from multiple sources, are genuine and are not just mine.

I am not a Musician’s Union representative and I am not being paid to represent musicians in this case. I am not ‘bitter’ and I have nothing to gain other than to try and improve working conditions for musicians, something I feel passionately about. I hoped that by highlighting these issues LOTF might put adequate measures into place to improve their local-musician relationships. But at present, they adamantly deny these claims, preferring to label this a ‘single-handed campaign’ against the festival. What is apparent is that it is easier for them to undermine a person than to acknowledge these complaints and move forward and I feel that this has been handled very badly.

In 2008, I contacted the festival myself and asked to play in what I thought was a great local venture. But this debate is not about bands approaching festivals, young musicians getting a leg-up in the industry, or competitions that offer opportunities to them. Every musician exercises the right to accept or decline whatever deals they want to, be it playing for tickets or playing for exposure, but they should also have an informed idea of whether or not a deal is exploitative as in most cases, performing for free is just that.

What this debate is about is Lounge on the Farm’s conduct towards local musicians, whether professional or otherwise. And of major concern are multiple reports that in addition to their you say they play competition, the festival are also contacting local bands and asking them to play for free. LOCOG were named and shamed for doing this just last month and in my opinion this is ethically and morally wrong.

Lounge on the Farm are small but a business all the same. They charge ticket money, sell merchandise and serve alcohol on site. Burger vendors are not giving away free hot dogs and musicians should not have to justify their right to earn a living. ‘We’re doing them a favour’ is a common viewpoint for many, but this is real life, not the X factor, and in this case, Lounge on the Farm have been accused, by many, of the following:

Not looking after local bands: inadequate access to the site, difficulty when loading instruments from long-distances due to a lack of parking arrangements for musicians (Health and Safety), lack of refreshments, disorganisation with booking details and festival passes, evasive and rude treatment by organisers and staff, not fulfilling the ABO / MU Code of Practice for Outdoor / Large Venue Concerts (see bottom).

Dishonouring agreed payments: owing monies to bands for agreed fees or expenses and musicians having to chase very hard for monies owed.

Lack of transparency in the selection process for ‘you say they play’: musicians have accused the festival of not honouring the prize of a festival performance when they qualifying for one, and of being evasive and rude towards them.

Contacting local musicians and asking them to play for free.

It is these accusations, and not my blog, have resulted in the decline of Lounge on the Farms reputation.

During my communications with Lounge on the Farm, I have offered to post any response they wish to make, verbatim, online. I have also suggested a meeting with three other musicians present to discuss these complaints and come to a resolution for all involved, but they are insistent on meeting me alone which is something I will not do. I have now asked Jack Walsh of Lounge on the Farm if he will accept emailed statements from musicians and participants of the festival in order to convince him that these claims are genuine, and he has agreed to receive your emails. Please share your experiences by emailing jack.walsh@outgoing.co.uk. Alternatively, if you would prefer to remain anonymous, you may email me at em@empeasgood.com, and I will forward your message on your behalf, whilst protecting your identity.

Why are musicians often the expendable party when it comes to being paid fairly for their efforts and time? I doubt Lounge on the Farm’s headline acts would be comfortable if they were aware that local bands were unpaid. And why do so many think music is not a genuine profession where those involved have bills to pay like everyone else? There are only so many opportunities a musician can take. On this issue, Carl Hudson (keyboard player for Professor Green) summarises my thoughts perfectly: ”musicians are not volunteers, the term ‘doing it for experience’ is a half-baked excuse for ripping off people. We are not jesters, expected to play for people for free because ‘we love it’.. We still have bills to pay the same as everybody else.”

If one musicians is being paid, all should be. And if security, stage crew, sound crew, organisers and famous musicians are being paid, so should the local musicians. But this kind of exploitation is so common, it is seen as normal.

*****

“If you don’t have this freedom of the press, then all these little fellows are weaseling around and doing their monkey business and they never get caught”. ~Harold R. Medina

Scrounge on the Farm

mybloggywog — Wed, 09 May 2012 21:17:00 -0400

As festival season approaches, competitions offering local musicians the chance to perform are on the increase. It might seem harmless enough; a great way to gain exposure and all in all a whole lot of fun, right? But what we need to ask is: why?

Why are prominent festivals who charge big money for big acts eager to recruit little-known bands who can often be seen at the local pub? And do they genuinely want to provide a platform to promote local musicians?

Kent based festival Lounge on the Farm are well known endorsers of the competition method; where most festivals offer one or two performance opportunities to up-and-coming acts, Lounge on the Farm offer six and have even set up glitsy website You Say They Play. Willing participants can register for a band-profile page and are encouraged to ask friends and family to vote for them to play at the festival. But what many don’t realise is that this is less about supporting local talent and more about making money. Why else would they plough money into advertising their competition and designing their glitzy website? Every time a musician asks friends and family to vote for them, they in turn advertise for Lounge on the Farm. Each time they post a band-profile link to their social media sites they do the job of the PR man, for free. And it doesn’t end there. Current Top Rated bands on the site average four members each, totaling 24 possible winners. Should each of those 24 bring one full-paying friend along, at £115 a ticket, the festival make a £2,760 profit. Local bands bring local punters and that’s what I call a highly effective marketing campaign.

As I said before there is a little more to this than meets the eye; several winning bands from 2010s and 2011s You Say We Play competition were not given their performance opportunity as promised. “It was pre determined”, says one musician. “We were third out of six winning bands and they didn’t let us play. We felt bad explaining this to the people who had taken their time to vote for us and when we questioned LOTF about it they were rude and evasive”.

But still this isn’t all: over the past six years Lounge on the Farm has become well known for asking local bands to play at their festival, for free. It’s bit of a bad joke amongst the local music community as most of us have experienced rudeness, disorganisation and exploitation at the hands of their team.

A few days ago, I posted the follow question on facebook:

I received ten emails from bands and solo musicians. All confirmed that they had been approached by representatives of the festival and asked to perform. But there was a snag. The festival claimed to not have any funds to pay them with. They did however emphasise that taking part would provide them with great exposure and that they would receive free tickets in payment. How very clever: selling the notion that this is a great deal when really they’re taking advantage of you, gaining free advertising from you, saving and therefore making money off of you and basically pimping you for something you should receive anyway. And at £115 a ticket, I’d rather have the cash thank you. Oh, and by the way, are organisers working for free, to showcase their great organisational skills? What about security staff? Cleaning staff? Bar staff? No? Didn’t think so.

Back in 2006 when I was involved with them, it was common knowledge that local musicians were unpaid, myself included. But we were keen to be involved because we were excited at the prospect of a good local music festival, believed in what they were creating and wanted to be a part of it. Sadly, our enthusiasm was short lived. We were not at all well looked after during our involvement and were not thanked for our participation in the festival. I left with a sour taste in my mouth and the feeling that they felt they had done ME a favour, rather than the other way around.

Over the last six years Lounge on the Farm has grown at a rapid pace. And with their growth one would naturally assume that each and every musician who performed there would be paid. But it seems I am wrong. Of the ten emails I received, two were from musicians who are still owed money from last years festival.

I tried to contact Lounge on the Farm to ask them why they continued their practice of non-payment but they deleted my post from their facebook page.

However, later in the day I did manage to enter into conversation with co-organiser Jack Walsh. He declined to comment on why local musicians were still owed money from 2011 but did clarify that they could not pay all of the local musicians.

I do get the impression that in the eyes of Lounge on the Farm, the term local musician holds a cheaper currency. Every musician is local to somewhere and locality plays no part in a musicians worth.

Sometimes musicians chase organisers for gigs, even offering to play for free. And in my opinion, by doing so, musicians devalue themselves and their future earning potential. But this is irrelevant as in this case, it seems Lounge on the Farm are chasing and asking popular local bands to play for free. These bands draw in great audiences and are mostly full time music professionals; how does payment with a free ticket work for those who perform most gig-nights including the Friday, Saturday and Sunday night of the festival? And how is exposure a relevant payment method for those who are already well known? Just how many musicians have benefitted as a direct result of performing at Lounge on the Farm? We all know that real exposure only exists on prime time television but exposure is a word readily bandied around the music industry, designed to tempt any foolhardy young musician.

Lounge on the Farm have always filled a large percentage of their performance rosta with local bands, mostly unpaid, and enough is enough. The locals are getting vocal and many of Kent’s best won’t touch this one with a barge-pole. It’s a shame really; Lounge on the Farm should make it a priority to build relationships with Kent’s many gifted and diverse musicians and not to alienate them.

As my friend Paul says, I put it to you Lounge on the Farm that you use and abuse local talent to fill up your performance rosta at no cost so that you can pay more to the well known bands who won’t step out of their front door for less. And at an estimated £1,000,000 turnover on ticket sales alone, how dare you.

****

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Mediocre Musician Magazine: Singers Edition

mybloggywog — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 16:31:00 -0400

Great Singer? Don’t Audition for a TV Talent Show

mybloggywog — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 18:43:00 -0400

Punters often approach me at gigs to lovingly suggest that I should audition for the X Factor. And although I understand that this is their way of saying you’re really good, I laugh it off to cover my disdain at their suggestion. After all, what self-respecting musician would put themselves through a process where they’re pitted against fame-seekers and the downright awful? Not to mention the fact that for many successful applicants, within a year or two they’re doing exactly what they did before. Fickle is fame.

When I heard about The Voice; “a singing competition unlike any other because because it puts vocal ability first”, with judge/coaches Jessie J, Tom Jones, Will.i.am and Danny O’Donoghue, I thought “finally!” But after tonight’s episode, where the strongest singer of the whole show, J Marie Cooper, aged 27, lost out to an inexperienced 17 year old, I’m bitterly disappointed. The 17 year-old in question, Sophie Griffin, is sweet enough but she was not the stronger vocalist. “So why did she win?” you ask. One guess: she’s 17. “I wouldn’t be where I am without the 17 year old me”, said Will.i.am. as he chose her over J Marie.

When it comes to TV talent shows like the X Factor, they usually comprise of one Rebecca after another wailing her little heart out in a tuneless manner until a Gemma walks through the door. Gemma sings her heartfelt rendition of Make You Feel My Love and sobs: “I’m doing it for my nan, she died last year”. And as a tear wells up in Cheryl’s eye I should inform you that Granny died of natural causes at the ripe old age of 96 and had a good life. “I’m so glad you came”, says Tulisa. “You know, you really remind me of myself”. Simon is impressed by Gemma’s long tanned legs. “I like you”, he says and winks as he tries to conceal his hard on. “You know, you’re going to be a big star”. When Gemma exits the audition room, her entire family embrace and scream with wild abandon as Don’t Stop Believing kicks in on auto cue.

The reality is that Gemma is naff. But in a string of crap-ness, she’s the best thing yet. Good musicians wouldn’t be seen dead on these shows which is why the average level of talent is lukewarm at best. Even past winners are, in my opinion, only good wedding singers. It’s not that genuine talent doesn’t walk through the door; it does. But it is often scrapped in favour of a sob story and big tits. Oh, and if you’re a bit weird and are publicly humiliated by judges who assume you’re bad but then discover you have an okay voice, you become a superstar.

I’m going to say something that will probably upset you all: SUSAN BOYLE IS SHIT. There, I’ve said it.

So, the latest in TV talent shows; The Voice, had something to prove for me and as I tuned into Stage 1 of the audition process, I was impressed. Aside from a couple of odd choices, the coaches were making sound choices in those they took on and the overall level of ability from contestants was high. But it soon became clear that the televised auditions featured the cream of the crop; brilliant singers, often professional, who had already been pre-auditioned. Were the thousands of other singers who applied for The Voice auditioned blind too? I hoped so.

This weekend, Stage 2 of the audition process took place with the coaches grouping singers into pairs who then ‘battled’ for a place in the final. As I watched each pair battle-it-out like performing monkeys to songs ill-chosen by the coaches, I felt sad.It was musical-masturbation at best with each singer desperate to win through and singing over the other in the process. It questioned The Voice’s mission statement of putting vocal ability first, but it’s good TV. Right?

Aside from sob-stories, big tits and now youth, another problem with TV Talent Shows is that you can’t be too good. Twice tonight I witnessed great singers (Emmy J and J Marie) thrown by the wayside in favour of the young and out-of-tune. It seems talent judges and coaches are more impressed when you don’t nail it; they certainly get a kick out of the pained facial expressions singers exude when they can’t quite reach those high notes. I can see how The Voice coaches would want to nurture and help the less experienced singers but I do wonder; by ditching the really great ones, are they saving themselves the embarrassment of admitting on television that they don’t know how to help them improve further?

Every singers talent show needs a proper vocal coach on the judging panel, and correct me if I’m wrong but like The X Factor, Pop Idol and Britain’s Got Talent, The Voice is ill-equipped in this regard. Judge and coach Danny O’Donoghue is a lovely chap and a very experienced songwriter, performer and producer but vocal coach? I don’t think so. The legendary Tom Jones doesn’t know the difference between a third and an octave and Will.i.am? No comment. As for Jessie J, there’s a conundrum; she clearly knows how her voice works but at the age of 24 and with a busy performance schedule singing leaving the BRIT School, has she any experience coaching other singers?

An experienced vocal coach can properly judge a voice’s potential and offer expert advice where non-coaches will listen to a voice as is. Often, excellent singers don’t know how they do it. For me, J Marie’s technique, style, tone and performance tonight was flawless but that’s irrelevant when the judges or so-called coaches aren’t qualified to know a good thing when it slaps them in the face. Want to watch singer who has that extra special something and sings with ease? It’s just not good TV.

***

Em Peasgood is a freelance musician, musical director and writer. She blogs about lifestyle and working as a freelance musician on www.publicemilie.com.

The Olympics - Musicians Need To Be Paid Too

mybloggywog — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 13:51:40 -0400

But musicians are always asked to play for free, aren’t they?

Two weeks after I published the article Why Musicians Shouldn’t Work For Peanuts it came to light that organisers of the London Olympics and Queen’s Jubilee celebrations had been contacting musicians and asking them to perform unpaid. How ironic when you consider that musicians were initially wetting their lips in anticipation of a summer packed with decently paid celebration gigs. But the general consensus from non-musicians is that we should be delighted for the opportunity and exposure these performances may provide.

To date an estimated £11billion has been spent on the Olympics including this £19million atrocity, set to ‘greet Olympic visitors’. Despite this, of the 7000 musicians engaged for the opening ceremonies, only 500 are to be paid.

For the Queen’s Jubilee, 30 horse shit picker-uppers have been gainfully employed whilst organisers are still asking musicians to accept ‘exposure’ in lieu of payment. Jubilee? Jubifree.

After reading Andrea Vicari’s response to the Evenings Standard’s most recent article on the matter, I thought “woe betide the organiser who phones me with such an offer”.

But can you believe it? It happened. This morning I received the call.

“We have two slots to fill for bands during torch relay celebrations. We’re looking for volunteers as we’re only in the position to pay expenses. Are you interested?”

“Well, I am free on those dates but I can’t provide my services free of charge”.

“I am aware that this is a tricky situation but it will be a great opportunity to showcase your music”.

“Will it?” I replied.

“Excuse me?”

“Will it be a great opportunity to showcase my music?”

“Of course. It’s great publicity as well.”

“But I’m a professional musician and I have been earning my living as one for years. And I don’t need exposure because my goal isn’t fame. I’m sorry. No. I’m not sorry… Just out of interest, are you working for free you know… to showcase your organisational skills?”

No comment.

“And are the technical staff working for free?” I asked.

“Technical staff will be paid”.

“Then why aren’t the musicians? You know, the only reason this situation is tricky is because of people like you!”

“I don’t understand why you’re being so antagonistic. There are other bands that have accepted our offer”.

“Well, you get what you pay for” I replied and hung up.

Musicians were asked to work for free way before the Olympics bought attention to the matter. Whether it’s a music festival organiser offering valuable exposure, a club owner who wants a free gig in audition for ‘more’ or the charity fundraiser who tugs at your heartstrings (whilst paying all other involved staff), most musicians agonise over whether to say yes, or no.

What is it about the musician that screams you can have me for free?

Perhaps people see the musician as a desperate dole-dosser who can’t earn enough to survive. Hazy images of my post-student days where the average day involved 6 hours of shredding, 20 cups of tea, a cheese and pickle sandwich and Neighbours at lunchtime springs to mind.

Some see musicians as living an enlightened life of priviledge. So enlightened is that life that it doesn’t involve paying bills. Or maybe we’re fame seekers who’ll do anything to perform anywhere. We don’t need paying. We just need exposure so we can get a major record deal and get famous!

For me, music is my job and I exist on a fine balance of performing, teaching and leading choirs. I value myself as a musician and do not accept badly paid gigs. But it is difficult and as my friend Brendan says:

“There are no amateur lawyers, or amateur surgeons, but plenty of amateur musicians who’ll do your gig”.

Amateurs charge less than me and a whole host of music students will perform at clubs for free. But they shoot themselves in the foot as one day, they will need to pay their mortgage. When the club owner moves on to the latest freebie, they realise it’s hard to go from FREE TO FEE.

As for exposure? That’s a commercial enterprise embodied by Simon Cowell, The X Factor and a steady stream of one-shit-wonders - a soulless enterprise that moves further away from musical reality with each year that passes.

The recently deceased Levon Helm reportedly said: “just because you play music, it ain’t supposed to make you rich or famous….if you get a shot, if you get on national television, or if you get a record out that somebody can remember, great. That ought to encourage you not to quit, but it don’t mean a whole lot.”

After publishing The 24 Hour Musician and Playing For Peanuts, the biggest response I received was from non-musicians was: “it’s a simple case of supply and demand. You should take what you can get”.

I strongly believe that it is not vendors that set the value of musicians but musicians themselves. If musicians - be it amateur, part time or student - are flaunting their wares for a nominal fee, vendors will expect them for the same. And if musicians accept badly paid or unpaid bookings, they perpetuate the notion that music comes cheap. As musicians, it is our responsibility to charge a fair fee. If we don’t value ourselves, who will?

“But what is the fair fee?”

This is the question many musicians who read my blogs have asked and it is a question I don’t know the answer to. The Musicians Union have a casual rates guide for musicians working the pubs and clubs of London but aside from this the general consensus is one of confusion. Unless you work for one the organisations the MU provides contracts and pay scales for, you’re out in the cold.

I feel the only way any musician can stay true to their value is to decide a minimum fee they won’t work for less than and to stick to it. And as for those free gigs? I have a simple mantra I’m not afraid to share with any vendor who asks: if the organisers, security, technical, catering and hospitality staff are going to be paid then so am I.

*****

Em Peasgood is a freelance musician, musical director and writer. She blogs about lifestyle and working as a freelance musician on www.publicemilie.com.

If you are a musician or hirer and wish to share your thoughts, please comment below. You can use a fake name and email address if you wish to protect your identity.

For more information about Musicians Rights, please contact (and join) the Musicians Union.

Freelance Gig Rates - London

mybloggywog — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 12:40:00 -0400

Current London Gig Rates guide for freelance / casual gigs from the Musicians Union.

Why Musicians Shouldn’t Work For Peanuts

mybloggywog — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 09:56:00 -0400

Music venues are paying less and expecting more from the ever-struggling musician. They want it all; brilliance, pa and lighting, posters, publicity, a ready crowd of family and friends to pack out their venue and what do they want it for? Peanuts. But can you blame them? After all, they’re only trying to get as much as they can for as little as possible and that sounds like standard business practice to me. And some musicians are only too willing to accept a poorly paid gig, or undercut the going rate; in a desperate climate, a £30 gig is better than no gig, right? Wrong.

I think it’s time to stop blaming music venues and look a little closer to home.

Musicians who accept poorly paid gigs often begrudge that fact that they’re working for peanuts. Don’t they realise that by doing the gig they’re allowing this to happen and to continue happening? It perpetuates the notion that musicians come cheap. And not only do musicians come cheap, they come fast. The professional musician relies on his music-making income, but there’s a never-ending supply of students, part-timers and hobbyists who’ll do your gig for half the price. As these pocket-money-players colonise UK music venues, the value of the full-time professional decreases; pocket-money-players are usually willing to perform for less be it £20 a head, free beer, experience or for love and by doing so, they are inadvertently making life very difficult for professionals.

“Please can we play at your venue?”

Student bands often ask venues if they can perform in return for experience but by doing so, they teach venues that music can be sourced for free. I recently witnessed the following conversation between two venue owners:

Charlie: “I need a band but don’t wanna pay much in case they’re shit”.

Linus: “I can find you one for free”.

Charlie: “Really?”

Linus: “Well I can’t guarantee they’ll be any good but there’s this rock band from Kent College who have been asking for a gig. They don’t want paying because they need experience and they’ll bring a crowd”.

If a venue can’t afford a band, it shouldn’t expect one, but this doesn’t matter when there are plenty of student bands willing to fill a venues pocket. Some may even pay a venue to play or agree to sell a fixed number of tickets in advance. Is the music market about supply and demand or closer to demand and supply?

The student musicians’ short term experience-gaining solution eventually becomes a long term problem as one day, they will want to be paid. But now, venues know there’s a steady stream of student bands who will play for peanuts, and there you have it; you have shot yourself in the foot…. What are you going to do now? Tell other students to charge for debut performances? Tell them they are making it difficult for themselves when they want to become a professional later on? For there will always be a newer and younger bands who need experience too.

“But I don’t want to be a professional. I just do it for fun and maybe a bit of pocket money”.

If this is the case, why don’t you go to an open mic night or a jam session? They are designed for musicians from all levels of the profession and are crying out for people to become involved. You usually sign up for a few songs and there’s none of the pressure of a live gig either because you don’t have to take your own gear and you can perform what the hell you like without worrying about pleasing the audience. It’s also a great way to meet new musicians you might otherwise not have met and all in all have a great night out.

Whether you’re a beginner or part timer, by performing for peanuts you’re putting professional musicians out of work. It’s not good for the music industry and it is essentially putting to sleep a long standing and deserved line of work.

As swathes of musicians inundate music venues - twice as many as available gigs - it is important to realise that sometimes they’re good and sometimes they aren’t. Unfortunately Joe public can’t differentiate between the two; it’s all the same to him. But I hear many professionals complaining about bad bands who are gigging and earning more money than them. Usually, I agree; it’s disappointing that charlatans exist who can put little work in and earn more than the ‘proper’ musician but this is life. And what is ‘proper’ anyway?

Anyone has the right to play music to earn cash, regardless of ability and experience as we are in a free market and music is subjective. But there is a responsibility that comes with charging a fee and all musicians should be aware that by undercutting the going-rate, or working for free, they are affecting the profession of music.

Unfortunately, many music venues don’t understand the hours of practise time involved or the expense of being a musician. All they do know is what they learn. If you ask a venue for opportunities to play, a venue learns that they are doing you a favour when they offer a gig. If you work for greatly reduced rates of say £30 per musician, a venue learns that £120 for a four-piece band is fair. It’s not uncommon for venues to offer bands unpaid gigs in return for exposure. But when did a venue get the idea that a gig provides great exposure? When desperate musicians started begging them for opportunities.

That’s when. If over the last 12 years I had worked in return for exposure at each of my 3 - 5 weekly gigs I’d be more famous than the Queen of England, and homeless.

“But I love the music so much, I just want to play”.

Then play. But try where possible to not charge so little you devalue other musicians. The free and competitive market place is polluted by musicians who do this.

I once received a business card through my letterbox advertising 40-minute piano lessons for £5. I was so surprised I phoned the number on the card.

Me: “Hi there. I’m enquiring about your lessons. Can I ask, what kind of experience do you have?”

Him: “Well, my Dad is xxx xxxx”.

Me: “But what experience do YOU have?”

Him: “Well my Dad toured a lot and is quite famous and he taught me everything I know.”

Me: “No offense, but you aren’t you Dad. What experience do you have?”

Him: “….”

Me: “The reason I ask is because I’m really surprised by the price you’re charging. I’m a professional musician and I teach piano. I’m very experienced and I charge £26 per hour because this is the going rate in Whitstable. You’re really undercutting me. People will think I’m overcharging when I’m not. You’re devaluing what I do. Why?”

Him: “I want to be competitive”.

Many musicians and non-musicians alike say the market decides your worth, it’s swings and roundabouts, supply and demand. Yes, there is a recession but if you ask any seasoned pro it has never been any different. Back in the 70’s things were the same only then - according to my sources - a good musician was valued more highly, paid better and working regularly. But music will always be seen as a luxury and as I said before, there is always someone willing to do your gig for less.

As a musician, have you ever stopped and asked: “who decides what musicians are worth?” If you did, you might be surprised to find that the answer is “musicians do”. But I don’t think musicians are really aware of this. If they were, they would perhaps think twice about charging too little or working in return for a beer.

If you have ever been to Denmark Street in London you will know that it is lined with music shop after music shop. You can go into the first and ask what they are charging for a guitar case. “It’s £200”, they answer. You decide to leave and enter the shop next door: “this case is £200 next door, can you do any better?” “How about £190?” they offer. You leave and enter the shop next door. “This case is £190 next door, can you do any better?” And the cycle continues with each shop offering less and less until once again, you enter the first. “I can’t offer less than £100”, they say, “but I’ll throw in a free set of strings”.

Musicians undercut and undercut because they are desperate for a gig, desperate to play and passionate about their music be it original or functional. But if we continue in this manner, there will come a time where £10 a gig is average.

There is currently no fair-wage regulator for small-medium music venues to sign up to. The Musicians Union have made some attempts but they can only be enforced if you are a member and are mostly ignored by the musicians themselves.

Perhaps music students need a termly lesson in self worth to nip this in the bud? But how to we educate part-time musicians? This is a complex and difficult issue, but one thing I can be certain of is this: it is up to the musician to stop playing for peanuts. Whether you are a student, a part timer, a full timer or an amateur, do you really want to drive 60 miles to play Mustang Sally to an audience that doesn’t know the difference between good and bad at a pub that pays £30 each? Of course not. If a venue pays poorly, don’t play there. It’s time to get some pride and self respect and you can start by setting a minimum fee that you won’t work for less than and sticking to it. Musicians need to set the precedent for fair gig rates and they need do it now. Let’s hope that by doing so others will follow suit.

If you are a musician or hirer and wish to share your thoughts, please comment below. It will accept a fake name and email address if you wish to conserve your identity.

Em Peasgood is a freelance musician, musical director and writer. She blogs about lifestyle, relationships and working as a freelancer on www.publicemilie.com.

For more information about Musicians Rights visit http://www.musiciansunion.org.uk/

What Not To Put On Your Album Cover

mybloggywog — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 11:40:00 -0400

So, you’ve recorded an album of your own material. You’ve done the studio time, struggled over which takes to keep, edited it all together and sent it off to John Smith in The Isle Of Wight for digital mastering. All that’s left is the fun part: the album art and as a freelance musician it is now time to design your own.

You are no doubt familiar with spending months at a time learning whole new skill-sets for a variety of non-musical tasks. This is something every freelance musician must do in order to conserve our limited funds and stay in the game. In the process of designing my own album cover, I have so far spent two days researching other musicians choices online. Most were designed by professional designers for big record labels and I am loathe to comment on those that were designed by musicians themselves; we have it hard enough. But I am sure that some mega famous ego-laden musicians go against the advice of their album artist: “why don’t you incorporate a photograph me standing behind a palm tree naked so my manhood is covered; it’s sexy AND funny right?”

So what can you put on your album cover that truly reflects you are as an artiste? That shows your you-ness, essence and soul? For they all need to come through whilst remaining informative, cool and a bit sexy.

To be honest, I still don’t have a clue what mine will look like but I do know what it won’t:

NUDITY (partial or full)

You want to be taken seriously as a musician but one photo shows you looking like Frank Zappa on a gormless day and in the other there is mushroomy flower that looks suspiciously like the head of a penis.

You are beautiful, no matter what they say but this is too much, even for mature minded adults.

Flowers

Flowers are harmless enough when used in the right context. Here, they look like a crazed offering.

Heino and Joyce: androgynous way before America’s Next Top Model taught us what the hell that meant.

Animals

Animals have no place in album art and Heino is a serial offender.

Shit

Nothing says I’m The Shit more than positioning your head there. Or actually having one.

Children

Want to tell the world you are kindhearted and child-friendly? Don’t give her a freaky balloon.

…or suggest that teenage girls give great head.

Ugly Children

If you have to use them, at least pick the cute ones.

Creepy Photos

Axe murderer? Death row inmate? Licker?

Crazy Preachy Religious Shite

www.publicemilie.com

The 24 Hour Musician: Rights, Respect and Exploitation

mybloggywog — Sun, 04 Mar 2012 08:59:00 -0500

For fun, this afternoon I googled Why are musicians so expensive? And as expected, there were no relevant results. I retyped Why are plumbers so expensive? and clicked search. A barrage of related sites appeared with suggestions ranging from high overheads and high demand to it’s a highly-skilled job. High, high and more high.

The reason I embarked on my little google-a-thon was because I wanted to highlight the training and earning disparity between plumbers and musicians. One would sensibly assume vocations that require a lengthy and high standard of training inevitably pay more in the long run. But no vocation disproves this more than that of the humble musician. And no vocation highlights the disparity more than that of the plumber.

Did you know that you can train to become a plumber in as little as two years? One website even quotes: “you can practice as a plumber with minimal qualifications”, yet plumbers charge on average £50 - £100 for the first hour and £50 for each subsequent hour. Training to be a musician, however, is a whole different playing field, taking on average, 10 - 15 years of private study and often longer if you factor in music college and / or performing experience. It is one of the longest apprenticeships known for any vocation; longer than that of a teacher, dentist, vet, pilot and even, doctor. Musicians train in a subject whose basic foundation isn’t taught well, if at all, on the national curriculum; encouraging a class of 14 year-olds to play Frère Jacques with one finger and teaching us that o = 4 beats, does not count.

Professional musicians surpass the barriers most reach when learning a musical instrument. They persevere and study to a high level; often taking examinations, diplomas and music degrees, practising their instrument for eight hours or more each day and gigging 5 nights a week to learn on-the-job. Musicians pay their dues, attending numerous jam sessions to network and meet other players, setting up projects, taking risks. And studying music is expensive too; on average, musical training costs £20K, plus any college and university fees, not to mention maintaining your instrument. The professional musician exists on a fine balance of projects, gigs, tours, party bands and teaching, often working upwards of 70 hours a week. But despite their rigorous effort, discipline and long hours, musicians are lucky to receive £50 a gig, or £25 per hour for offering private music tuition.

When you compare the musicians apprenticeship to that of the plumber, why are musicians paid so little? And sometimes, not at all?

The sad reality is this: musicians are exploited very openly and in many ways. As a musician myself, it is wearing thin. I had hoped that I could present this information for you in organised sections titled ‘pay’ and ‘venues’ but, each aspect of the working musicians life is intertwined, so I present to you a semi-organised bursting forth of facts, experiences and possible causes for musical exploitation.

Payments and Venues and Everything Else

Musicians are often nervous about asking for payment, especially for smaller gigs in pubs and bars. For these gigs, it is impossible to ask the landlord or promoter to sign a contract specifying your fee; they just won’t. A pub landlord once refused to pay my band more than £20 per head. “It wasn’t busy enough”, he said, “where were all your fans?” He did eventually pay our agreed fee of £50 each, but only when I threatened to contact the Musician’s Union.

It is not uncommon for bands to go home with empty pockets. In the States, many venues operate a PAY TO PLAY system; a practice that either involves a band paying the venue money to host their gig, or the band bringing in a minimum amount of punters in return for a fee. PAY TO PLAY is sadly, starting to creep into the British music scene. And British venues are expecting more and more from musicians; not only do they expect us to be a brilliant, they also expect us to be promoter, marketer and ticket seller. This attitude largely comes from the idea that they are doing us a favour by giving us a gig.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, function bands are often booked for lucrative award ceremonies, weddings and parties at a reasonable rate of pay and with a signed contact. But they are often told: ‘we’ll pay you cash, after the gig”. Why are musicians expected to work in good faith? My mobile phone provider won’t give me the new iphone 4 without first performing a credit check. Function bands, however, are expected to work for a full day with no guarantee of pay at the end of it. And on the subject of wedding bookings, why do the bride and groom expect to hire a band of six musicians for less than they are willing to pay one photographer? Since when are six worth less than one?

Musicians constantly justify their rate of pay. And they shouldn’t.

Many musicians make ends meet by taking on private music students. But when students cancel lessons at short notice, or forget to show up, they do not expect to pay for the musicians time. They will gladly pay their dentist or driving school for a missed appointment whereas with an individual musician, there is always the hustle. Because music is their hobby, I fear they assume it is mine.

I think one of the reasons musicians are afforded so little respect comes from the way people view music; music is a beautiful thing, an art form, an amazing rite of self expression. And because of this, many think of a musicians life as one of privilege.

“You’re doing what you love”, they say.And yes, they are right. I love being a musician. But it is not easy and the journey here was not easy either. In many ways, being a musician is a sacrifice, with most musicians struggling to make ends meet.

A huge part of the musicians struggle is caused by the attitude of others.

Music is one of the worlds biggest hobbies: there aren’t many households that don’t have a guitar in the corner. And that is great. It really is. But with the dawn of instant fame, every Tom, Dick and Harry thinks they can do it and earn a living from it. For the professional, it is hard to explain that although music is a passion which started as a hobby, it is also a job.

Whenever X Factor season comes around, I am inundated with fresh singing students who want one pre-audition lesson. “I don’t need more than one lesson”, they say. “I can already sing”. I shrug, take their money and offer as much advice as they will take. And I am yet to discover a genuinely talented singer. I have taught many students who think that learning to sing or to play an instrument is easy, but are not willing to put any work in. They want a quick fix and I call it EGO.

I don’t think I can be a doctor. I am not anywhere near arrogant enough. But with music, arrogance is rife.

A culture of ‘instant-fame’ (insta-fame) is ruining the music industry. It has taken the art form of music, stripped it of any musical depth and spun a quick buck. “Think of yourself as a brand”, young musicians are advised. And this brand is seen as more important than the music. Think Simon Cowell, Pop Idol, X Factor; all churning out one ‘shit’ wonders.

It is no wonder that people expect musicians to play for free. “They are lucky to be doing what they love”, promoters think as they persuade us to perform at their venue, in return for‘exposure’.

Most of the musicians I know couldn’t care less about fame; they want to bring their music to others and they want to work. After all, they have paid their dues and put the time in; they have every right to work. But one thing that is increasingly harder to come by are legitimate jobs. There are only a few music job websites out there and the two biggest are Star Now and UK Music Jobs. Amazingly, both charge a fee. Not only do venues operate PAY-TO-PLAY, job sites expect musicians to PAY TO WORK. These websites know that in the dawn of insta-fame, there are a lot of desperate people who want an ‘IN’ to the music industry but don’t have the networking connections professional musicians have. These people are willing to pay for this information and genuine musicians suffer at the hands of this kind of exploitation. A few years ago, I joined Star Now and found it to be full of so-called industry types, scouting for insta-fame girl-bands. UK Music Jobs was no better. I never received a call back from any of the jobs I applied for and I wouldn’t advise any musician to join these sites.

If you are a female musician, it is even harder. I have first hand experience of being turned down for vocal work because I am over the age of 25. A good friend of mine who plays in the pit orchestra for west end shows was recently fired and told:

“You’re too old now. We need fresh totty”.

Did it matter than she attended music college on a full scholarship and has worked solidly ever since? No.

I used to know a young woman who was a dental nurse. When we first met she asked: “so, what do you do?” “I’m a musician”, I replied. “Is that all?”She asked, incredulous to the possibility that anyone could earn a living from music.

It wasn’t her fault she felt this way; the only musicians she knew had taken a music course at the local college and promptly signed on the dole. They didn’t want to learn to read music or try performing new genres so that they might earn a living as a session player and they couldn’t see the point in developing their aural skills so they might compose or teach. They were too cool for that. “Who needs notation when you’re in a metal band?” They wanted ego and fame but still couldn’t play 12 bar in B. A plague of these muso-types inhabit local pubs and bars, charging only £20 plus a beer per head and living with mummy and daddy.

It is becoming increasingly difficult for musicians to earn a living from music. Every year a few more of my musician friends get a 9-5 job to subsidise living. My own partner, an extremely talented jazz pianist, is now working for a software development company. But I refuse to follow his stead and instead lead 3 choirs, teach 20 private students, host jam sessions and write articles. I rarely gig anymore because I refuse to accept bookings that involve a fee of less than £100 per head and I won’t accept pressure from venues to bring my fans along. As Dave Goldberg said in his Open Letter To LA Club Owners: “the goal is to build a fan base of the venue” and not a quick fix solution like the bands family and friends. Despite my 70-hour working week, I am grateful to continue working within the realm of music and I am sad for my musician friends who continue to work so hard for so little.

When people want to book me and my band for less than our worth I say this: “why don’t you find out what it would cost to hire six plumbers on a Friday night? We’ll do it for half. Do make sure you tell them that they have to drive for 80 miles, set up four hours before they are required, perform songs for two hours in front of people who might puke in their toolbox or try to steal their spanner and then drive home again without overnight accommodation, and usually, without a good meal”. They usually hang up the phone but it is my little revolution and it will hopefully stop clients from making unrealistic requests of other bands.

Ironically, I know two musicians who recently re-trained as plumbers. It didn’t take too long.

The composer John Adams has an interesting theory on why musicians in American are afforded such distrust and lack of respect. His theory could easily be true of the United Kingdom, whereas in other cultures, musicians are often revered.

“There’s a fundamental distrust of artists in this country and it goes back to our puritan background and the fact that this country was settled by two types of people; they were either religious zealots - who believed any form of entertainment suggested involvement with witchcraft - or they were mercantile explorers; people that were coming here to make a quick buck. And that has carried on for centuries. And today if you tell someone that you’re a poet or you write music they often will smile and say: “that’s wonderful. And what do you do for a living?””

I do think that a part of the problem is the musician. In the sea of musical exploitation and negativity, the musician has been brainwashed into believing they deserve to be treated poorly in exchange for the perceived cool and privileged lifestyle they lead. Musicians often accept poor pay and conditions as ‘the norm’ but I can’t think of any non-art based vocation where it is acceptable to be underpaid, or work for free. Musicians deserve to be paid for any musical service they provide at a rate that reflects their level of training and skill.

So, what are you, the musician going to do about this? Are you going to demand fair pay and reasonable working conditions or are you going to play it cool?

* Names and information about peoples mentioned have been changed to protect their identity.

** If you are a musician or hirer and wish to share your thoughts, please comment below. It will accept a fake name and email address if you wish to conserve your identity.

Em Peasgood is a freelance musician, musical director and writer. She blogs about lifestyle, relationships and working as a freelancer on www.publicemilie.com.

For more information about Musicians Rights visit http://www.musiciansunion.org.uk/

Other People's Shopping

mybloggywog — Sat, 25 Feb 2012 13:05:01 -0500

I dislike shopping in big supermarkets; there are too many people pacing beneath the headache of artificial light, confused, as once again, the store layout has been altered. These stores are designed to confused you; have you ever wandered why store layouts aren’t displayed on a map? Stores want you to wander the aisles like a zombie, lost and stressed because, in this state, you are wonderfully receptive to big brand advertising and ‘aspirational’ products.

You may as well tear up your shopping list and spend spend spend. After all, anything becomes aspirational when you’re in Tesco.

Shopping at midnight is my solution. No one gets in your way; you can run through the store or dance in the aisles, making light of this fucked up shopping ‘experience’. And staff will help you at midnight because they too have space to be an individual.

The biggest perk of my midnight shop - my perverse delight - is that I can steal away to the trolley shelter, unseen. For me, there is nothing more satisfying than taking an abandoned shopping list from the discarded trolley.

As I hungrily read, the grammar police translate its abbreviated contents. Blech becomes bleach and evap becomes evaporated milk. “Ah”, I realise, “they mean Mr Muscle”. I wonder if this person is fat or thin. I already know they keep the house clean. And once I scratch the surface, I need to delve deeper. As I stroll to the blender aisle I wander if I am walking in their footsteps. And as I contemplate whether the crossed out D John is an abbreviation of johnny’s or dijon mustard I ask: “why do they want four tins of tuna? Are they on a health kick? Do they pamper their pussy with real fish?”

Who wrote this list? Was it you?

Or if you’re politer than I…

mybloggywog — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 14:17:45 -0500

Or if you’re politer than I…

An effort to to frighten the plethora of salesmen, survey...

mybloggywog — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 13:56:00 -0500

An effort to to frighten the plethora of salesmen, survey takers, charity callers (see salesmen) and Jehovah’s Witnesses that call on me thrice daily…

How to use a Custom Domain Name with Tumblr and Godaddy

mybloggywog — Wed, 15 Feb 2012 12:31:00 -0500

A few months ago I decided I wanted my blog to have it’s own web address and paid for .com with Godaddy.

But, setting this thing up has not been easy. I am fairly computer literate and even know a bit about coding, html and java but still, could still not figure this out. And neither could my partner who is a professional programmer, web builder and content designer.

There are two primary help pages pages for Godaddy / Tumblr hookup online: Tumblr’s own “Using a custom domain name” and Godaddy’s “Configuring your domain name to work with tumblr”. In my opinion, both are ill explained and even contain incorrect information (Godaddy’s guide lists an incorrect ip address for tumblr… not exactly helpful when you consider their article was last updated two weeks ago). After spending 7 days trying to sort this out, I have finally managed to set it up and for my own records and hopefully yours, would like to share with you a clear step by step guide of how I got things working. To avoid confusion, I will italicize any text describing clickable buttons or web URL’s.

First, decide whether or not you want your web address to have www at the start.

e.g. My address is: www.publicemilie.com

If I wanted, I could have simply had: publicemilie.com

If you decide to opt for www at the start of your address then you need to do this:

1. Log into your GoDaddy account and click on My Account. When your account page loads it will look like the below picture. Click on the Launch button adjacent to DOMAINS.

2. Click on the domain you want to use for your tumblr account. As I have only purchased one domain with Godaddy (PUBLICEMILIE.COM) this is the only domain in my list.

3. Click on the Launch text under DNS Manager.

4. In the www row of the CNAME (Alias) table, it will say @ in the middle column. Click on the @ and change this text to domains.tumblr.com.

5. Click the Save Zone File button - this is on the top right hand corner of the table. When it has saved, the button text will change to Saved, as displayed above.

6. Log in to tumblr. Select the blog you want to add your domain name to and click Settings.

7. In the URL section, tick the box adjacent to Use a custom domain name and enter your domain name into the empty box below. Don’t forget to add the three www’s at the start. For example: www.publicemilie.com is what I have entered below.

8. Click Test your domain. Often, if you have only just altered your Godaddy settings, tumblr will flash up some text saying an assortment of things like: “your domain is still pointing to Godaddy…” or “your domain is pointing to 148.2.45.4” or “you need to change your CNAME”. Sometimes, Godaddy just takes a while to process the changes you previously made so please ignore any warnings and come back to tumblr in a few hours or the next day.

When Testing your domain finally yields the magical phrase: “your domain is now pointing to tumblr!” click SAVE ( located at the bottom left of your Settings page) and all is complete.

Go to google and enter your domain name into the URL bar. If your page doesn’t appear, you may need to wait a day or two for it to propagate but usually, it only takes 1 - 2 hours.

If you decided to not opt for the three www’s then you need to do this:

1. 2. 3. - Follow as above.

4. In the A Host section (showing below as HOST because I accidentally cut off the table title) locate the Points to column. This is where the IP address (where your domain name is located) is listed. The default IP address listed below is Godaddy’s own and you need to change it to tumblr’s IP address which is: 66.6.44.4

Click on the existing IP address, and change it go 66.6.44.4

In the CNAME (Alias) table, the row titled www should only have an @ symbol in the middle column (as it does in the ftp row) and should NOT list as domains.tumblr.com.

5. 6. - Follow as above.

7. When you log in your tumblr account settings, as before, tick the box next to Use a custom domain name. Enter your domain name into the empty box below, only this time without the three www’s. For example, publicemilie.com.

8. Again, as before, Test your domain and come back to tumblr later if it flashes up any warnings. Once tumblr responds with: “your domain is now pointing to tumblr!” click SAVE at the bottom left of your Settings page and all is complete.

Go to google and enter your domain name into the URL bar. If it doesn’t appear, you may need to wait a day or two for it to propagate but usually, it only takes 1 - 2 hours.

If your Godaddy-tumblr hookup still doesn’t work, you can email tumblr direct and they are pretty good at replying within 24 hours. Their email address is: support@tumblr.com and I believe the name of the person who deals with this is Mark.

Good luck!

Iceland's Bogus Card

mybloggywog — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 12:59:00 -0500

Since supermarket chain Iceland opened in fair Whitstable in 2009, I have shopped there at least a couple of times a week. They are the only place that sell Linda McCartney sausages for £1 a pack. But who am I to justify my use of Iceland? Perhaps I’m worried my Whitstable readership will tut in disgust. After all, the arrival of Iceland was fiercely opposed to by many Whitstable residents. I, for one, think it’s facade is incredibly ugly. But, as I said, they sell Linda McCartney sausages for £1 a pack and diet coke multipacks for next to nothing. Double Velvet loo roll is only £2.50 a multipack and Kleenex tissues are £1. It’s cheap.

And as many do when they become loyal to a certain store, I signed up for an Iceland Bonus card. I duly filled in the application form and handed it to a member of staff for registration. I believed that in the sea of genuinely good bonus cards such as Boots’ Advantage card and Tesco’s Clubcard, Iceland would have something to offer me in the form of savings and vouchers; anything to reward me for my loyalty.

And so, a year passed. And it dawned on me: every time I pay, I swipe my bonus card. But, for what?

“Can you tell me, what exactly does this do?” I asked the lady at the till.

“Well, I think we’re going to do it like Sainsbury’s with vouchers at the till”, came the reply.

“I’ve been swiping this thing for a year and never received any communication, savings or vouchers as a direct result of using it… it’s as relevant as doing a roly poly next to the till because it just might give me a discount on my loo roll. Totally pointless. Wouldn’t you say?”

“Err…” she replied. “Let me get the manager for you”.

When a manager did arrive I explained my confusion and he replied with the kind of explanation you’d usually expect from a usual store manager: “we’re in the process of getting a new system and it should be up and running shortly”.

“Right”, I thought, grabbing an application form for a new card on my way out.

When I got home, I enjoying cutting up my old card, believing that perhaps it was broken or hadn’t been registered properly. I then applied for a new one and this time, registered it myself online. If I was to continue swiping the bloody thing, I wanted to at least make sure it had been registered properly.

I took to regularly asking the staff on a fortnightly basis: “just what is the point of this card?”. Each time, I listened to the kind of explanation you’d usually expect from a usual store manager. And each time, I’d leave the store ever more frustrated than before.

A year passed.

I decided to not use my card anymore. After all, Iceland is much cheaper than anywhere else. But Iceland! Bloody ICELAND!! They’re clever buggers. They train their staff to relentlessly ask: “have you got a bonus card?”

“NO!!” I want to scream. But I can’t. Because I know damn well there is one in my bag. And I can’t lie. I can’t resist the possibility that maybe, just maybe I will one day be repaid for my loyalty. Once a week, I decide to have a T shirt printed stating: “I do not have a bonus card and I do not want one so do not ask”. But, I never get around to it.

Here I am, today, withdrawing my bonus card. Yes, I did take this photo whilst in the queue. This is how troubled I am. WIN SAVE DELIVER. What bull shit. And I can’t fucking help it. The minute they ask, I swipe. It’s in my bag. And I can’t lie. I might be rewarded one day. You never know. Right?

Sometimes, I am stubborn:

“Have you got a bonus card?”

“No”.

“Do you want one?”

“No. They don’t DO anything”.

“Are you sure? You can get vouchers and stuff…”

“No. They don’t DO anything”.

But most of the time I’m just plain pissed off:

“Have you got a bonus card?”

“Yes. But I don’t know why I’m swiping it. It doesn’t do anything”.

“Do you want me to get a manager to explain it to you?”

“No. Just swipe it thanks. Although, God knows why you should. It doesn’t do anything”.

“Then why do you want me to swipe it for you?”

“My theory is this: maybe, just maybe I will one day be repaid for my loyalty to Iceland”.

“Err.. okay”.

The whole thing is pointless. But still, I duly swipe the fucking thing even though it’s as pointless as doing the splits in the aisle in the vein hope I might get a BOGOF on my Kleenex.

Sent today:

If they reply I’ll let you know. Is it likely? Is it fuck.

The Trouble with Teaching Music

mybloggywog — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:19:00 -0500

“But, you’re singing a soul standard and you sound like a cheap cabaret singer. Who are you trying to emulate?”

Last week. James’ first singing lesson. Spoken by me, the ever-frustrated music teacher.

James booked his first singing lesson with me in lieu of auditioning for the latest in TV talent shows; BBC’s The Voice, and, he wanted to sound like Stevie Wonder. James had no singing experience and contorted his voice in such a manner, it was laughable. But James thought he was “going to nail it”.

The week before, I told my 15-year-old piano student: “pull your finger out of your butt and practice, or I won’t teach you anymore” . And only yesterday I told a student her theory homework was pants and proceeded to write PANTS all over it, in capital letters. PANTS, PANTS, PANTS, PANTS, PANTS.

Lately, I have been so cross with my students. These angry remarks and scribblings have not been made with a smile on my face but in genuine anger and frustration. And my GOD, do I get frustrated. When I teach, I put a massive amount of energy into my students; I encourage, inspire, use a variety of techniques and fun tips to keep them interested. If they don’t reciprocate by at least trying a bit, I’m upset.

I could accept this as a regular job qualm and just ‘take their money’ but really, money is only 50% of the reason I teach. I would much rather be broke than teach a lot of half-arsed students.

And right now, some of my best students aren’t coming through.

“Please! Give me good students who will work hard!” I want to shout.

I did just that. I worked my arse off as a student. Sure, in my twelve years of tuition, I had the odd questionable month but overall, I put in what was needed to achieve a high level of technical ability and now I enjoy the musical freedom my hard work has given me.

Although I found them a bit boring, I practised my scales and technical exercises, got good at them and now use them regularly as a jobbing musician. But my students refuse to practise scales or implement techniques. More often, they are fans of the quick fix.

I refuse to be one of those old-fashioned strict teachers who slaps a students finger with a ruler each time they play a wrong note (I have a friend whose teacher actually did this). When I teach exercises, I explain why they are important and set small achievable targets, simplifying them if needed. I encourage them to practice in a positive manner and practically pay my young students to put a bit of work in by providing ‘sticker cards’. Each week, every correct piece of homework and well-played song receives a sticker. And once they have 20 they receive a prize. Do other teachers do this? Probably.. if only out of desperation.

But still, none of them want to work on their scales and exercises and even if they do, they can’t seem to find the time and come back next lesson with no improvement. There is however, always an excuse. “Spend 5 minutes”, I eagerly beg, “honestly, 5 minutes a day. That’s an advert break between programmes on TV. It might not seem a lot but 5 minutes a day will build up and you’ll see an improvement over time”. And do they spend 5 minutes? Do they heck.

Why don’t they want to practise? They do want to be good. They say, “I want to play jazz” or “why won’t you teach me this?” and I explain “you need to know your way around your instrument first” or “you’ve only been playing for a few months”…

It is my opinion that if you decided to put time and money into having music lessons you should justify that by practising and exploring your instrument; developing muscle memory, learning how to express yourself, having fun…. And you should do this whether you are learning for fun or for a career in music.

I wonder if the current obsession with celebrity is to blame? Our culture is producing a lot of disillusioned musical wannabes who think they can be a famous singer with only karaoke experience and no training whatsoever. And the notion of instant talent is bull shit. Those that do publicly make it are often dropped by their label and singing in pub bands within 18 months. More often, they aren’t good enough to continue earning their living as a musician because they have poor aural skills, can’t read music and have little or no skill on a musical instrument. What they do have is an OK voice that happened to make good TV in a sea of terrible singers and fame seekers.

I have always battled with the notion of teaching music privately. Most full time musicians do subsidize their earnings by teaching a few students or working as a visiting teacher in schools. Each year I say to myself, “next year will be the year I no longer teach private students”. By teaching so much, I feel I have harmed myself musically. At times where gigs were sparse, I have taught more. And after a long day of teaching I have no inclination to practise my own instrument or work on my own material. The creative drive and energy I am usually so full off has been sucked out of me by my students and by the time I have recharged my creative battery, the doorbell rings and another student awaits.

Whenever ‘next year, the year of no teaching’ does come around, I find myself rounding up all the positive things teaching music brings and once again, I am lured into its trap. 1. It’s flexible 2. It’s really well paid; where can you work for one hour, in the comfort of your own home and earn what the average person earns in a 6 hour shift? 3. It’s rewarding.

And on occasion, you do get a great student who makes it all worthwhile. Perhaps to one or two of my private tutors, I was that great student because I listened, became inspired, stuck at it even when I felt like quitting and have never earned my living doing anything else. I hope to one of my students, they will remember me as having helped them pursue a dream or simply enjoy a hobby they felt passionate about.

If I could be selective, I would tell any parent who asks: “do you think Jimmy could do his Grade 3 piano by the end of the year so he can get a music scholarship into Fame-Academy Grammar?” to take a huge reality check. Jimmy has usually only had ten music lessons. Jimmy still can’t remember that a semibreve is 4 beats long and he will never remember this because Jimmy never practises. Mummy always makes excuses for Jimmy’s lack of practise and cancels lessons every other week. “He’s got so much on. Fame school. Drama class. Dance class”… she whines.

Sometimes, the parents really are to blame. But they are all too willing to blame you for Jimmy’s lack of improvement.

When I was young, most music teachers were fragile old souls whose only focus was teaching scales and learning exam pieces. The cycle continued… grade 1, grade 2, grade 3, with no respite until you were so uninspired, you quit. But this is not the case anymore. The world is full of amazing and inspiring music teachers and I am fortunate enough to know many brilliant musicians who like me, also teach. These musicians not only have a strong technical background but they excel in jazz, funk, rock, blues… you name it. Music education is constantly improving. Why then are the quality of students not?

I will no doubt continue to teach into old age but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t starting to drag a little. After 12 years in the game it’s all wearing a bit thin; the excuses, the parents, the need for little ones to be famous, the grown adults who think they can be jobbing musicians in only six months…

P.S. If you’re reading this and you are one of my students, I love you.

The Defensive Tradesman

mybloggywog — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 12:28:00 -0500

Whenever I phone a tradesman for a quote, they are keen and pleasant and promptly arrange to come and check out my goods. And after a short-lived scramble amongst my pipes - sweaty arse cleavage upturned - they roll over and stand, overly exerted and shake their podgy head. “Tut, tut, tut…” is the sound they make as they frown and raise a dirty hand to a sweatier brow. A bead of sweat trickles down my neck as I ask the inevitable: “what will it cost to fix?”

He “ums….” and he “ahs….” and looks all caring and concerned. He’s well versed in the art of cooing and gurning. He knows how to prepare a client for the worst when really, it’s not that bad. (Have you ever heard a tradesman say “this will be easy?” No. Didn’t think so.) I start to panic.

“The problem is….”, tradesman says “it’s hard to know exactly what it will cost until I have a proper look inside”.

“Well, can you give me a rough figure?”

He does. Well, a rough estimate anyway. “This is the most it should cost”, he says. Note: should. A tradesman will rarely say will. And, the reality is this: once a job is complete, a tradesman never charges less than his rough estimate, often denying the original figure they estimated, and usually always adding an extra £100 - £200 on top.

It’s no wonder people are resorting to DIY. We can no longer trust the tradesman. I, for one, feel extremely ripped off and would rather do a job myself - even if it means a bodge job. They don’t exactly help the general publics opinion either; often late they then spend hours on the phone quoting other clients on time you are paying for and are often difficult and defensive when you ask for information, responding with ‘in-job’ lingo that makes no sense to anyone but them. And, if you don’t bring them a cup of tea every 30 minutes, it’s likely they’ll piss in your plaster mix.

There seems to be no easy online guide to rough prices for common household jobs. Yes, there is the which registry, but that doesn’t help with quite specific things like repairing a gas fire and most tradesmen claim this website is out of date. What is a fair price for having your pipes unblocked? Or having your gas fire serviced? I haven’t a bloody clue but it always seems disproportionally high when compared to the amount of work that is actually done.

I always wonder just how much £££ they’re adding onto the price of parts to make even more money out of me and I’m certain the overpricing has something to do with my blonde hair, large breasts and the fact that whenever I open the door to a tradesman, there is no man present.“This one will be easy”, they think as they look me up and down. “She won’t have a clue what the going rates are”. And when they notice my musical instruments they probably think, “she can afford a little extra”.

In fact, the only people who I believe haven’t overcharged me are my carpenter Bob who did my loft conversion and friends who have helped me around the house out of the goodness of their hearts (Adam, Dierk, Paul, Matt, Dave and Gavin).

Today, a man from a local gas fire company came round to offer me a quote for replacing the ailing section of my gas fire. He was over an hour late and immediately defensive and difficult. After he poked around and took a few measurements, I asked the inevitable:

“So, what do you think it will cost to replace the taper tray only?”

“Um…. ah….well…. I’m going to have to get it custom-made because standard tapers are only 2 inches high, and to fit your fire we need one that is 5 inches high. And we can’t just stand it on a brick”.

Custom-made. Now there’s a couple of words designed to make you feel special. It’s just a shame the bespoke method fails to seduce me as it is purely that; a method; a clever sales technique designed to flatter whilst simultaneously concealing and justifying a hefty price tag. “Of course it’s dearer, it’s made-to-measure, just for you”. But what’s so special about being broke? As for the “we can’t just stand it on a brick” comment, I chose to move on.

Additionally, I know that my seven year old fire is one of thousands, and designed only in 2003. It takes little logic to assume that there are many bog standard taper trays available for purchase at a fraction of the cost he’s likely to quote. He must think I’m stupid.

“You’re looking at £460 including fitting”.

“Yesterday when I was in your showroom booking this appointment, the salesman quoted me £400 with fitting”.

“Well, this needs to be custom-made”.

“Yes, that was their quote for a custom-made taper tray. £250 for the custom-made tray, £150 for the fitting. That’s £400 inclusive”.

He snorted, clearly annoyed.

“You could just get a whole new unit. Might be simpler”.

“No. Not really. It would be very expensive and only a small part of the fire is damaged. It makes no sense to replace the whole thing”.

He snorted again.

“What about just getting it fixed?” I asked. “I think it’s the thermocouple and pilot light. They haven’t been replaced before and that could do the job”.

“I tell you now, in order to provide a quote, our gas engineer will charge you a call-out charge of £50 plus VAT because we would need to remove the coals and strip back the unit first. We can’t do that for free.”

“So, you’re telling me that I have to pay you to get a quote?”

“Yes”.

“Right. And what if I’m not happy with the quote? People are always advised to get three quotes from different sources. There’s a reason for that”.

Here it was. The Sales Trap.

“That’s very clever”, I chuckled. “Customers will feel obliged to use your company after paying over £50 for a quote. Ha! I’d personally worry because I hadn’t shopped around first. Shopping around offers piece of mind, especially if you’re spending a lot of money”.

“And just out of interest”, I continued, “don’t you think that with your engineers experience and my explanation of the fault, he could hazard a guess at what’s wrong? To diagnose my fault, all he would need to do is try and turn my fire on”.

“Look, times are hard”, he replied. “If you don’t trust us, you will have to pay three companies a call-out fee to diagnose the fault and offer you a quote. They won’t give you a quote for free”.

Was this true? Who can afford to spend over £150 to find a reasonable tradesman? What a load of crap I say.

And since when did a “free quote” become something of a novelty? In my opinion, the way business works is this: you try and persuade a customer to use your service and a quote is something that is part and parcel of that process. It should be free! A news agent doesn’t charge you to disclose the price of the local rag. Just like I don’t charge potential private music students for advice and information about my service. In the same way, a tradesman shouldn’t charge a customer to provide a quote, even if it means they have to spend a little time diagnosing the fault.

Thankfully, after sending a few emails to other plumbers, I did discover that all of them could provide me with a free quote. Especially as removing faux coals takes 10 seconds and stripping back a unit takes 10 minutes with a philips screwdriver.

As my tradesman left today, he said: “sorry if it seems I’m being difficult”.

“Well, you are being difficult”, I replied, “but tradesmen always are. Difficult and defensive. I wonder why that is. Just asking a simple question always feels like getting blood out of a stone, like we inconvenience you with our mere presence, like you’re doing us a favour and we have no right to question you. What you must remember is that you are also a salesman. I run a business too and I am never difficult or defensive with a potential new client because they won’t use my services if I am, just like I am not going to not use your service today”.

TIPS for Handling Tradesmen, for they need to be HANDLED

Always ask to see ID and Business Cards and check their credentials. I do not feel guilty about checking if a plumber is registered on the Gas Safe Register whilst in his / her presence, and neither should you!
Ask for a quote up front - there’s no need to be afraid or timid. We aren’t in the habit of making blind purchases in shops and shouldn’t where our house is concerned. Make sure their quote includes VAT - we are not exempt from paying it - why should they quote is without it? - and if possible, ask for a written quote as proof.
Don’t be afraid of asking for a breakdown of the fee. You need to feel comfortable that the fee they are providing you with adds up.
If at any point your tradesman appears defensive, uncommunicative or difficult, do not employ them.
Explain your house rules - if you don’t like clearing up after tradesmen, tell them. If you don’t want them to trundle up the stairs in muddy boots, tell them. My entire hallway carpet is ruined beyond repair because I allowed tradesmen to tred cement into it.
If you are uncomfortable, don’t surrender your keys to a tradesman - arrange for the work to be done whilst you are at home.
Ask them to summarise what they have done at the end of each day in language you understand. You are not a tradesman, they are. And they shouldn’t assume you understand or have the same knowledge of the job as them.

Too Faced

mybloggywog — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 13:35:00 -0500

“If you can’t say it to their face, don’t say it at all”.

I never did subscribe to that chain of thought and I can’t understand why others do. The idea that it’s a good thing to tell someone why they bother you to their face completelybaffles me. Why? Because I believe in being ‘two faced’ and I’m going to tell you why, for once, to your face.

But first I will openly admit that I am two faced: I AM TWO FACED. And not only am I TWO FACED, but I am TWO FACED and proud.

If someone bothers me, I’d rather have a good old moan about it with someone who is NOT the person involved. I think it is important to get things off your chest and process your thoughts through verbalising them. After all, how is it helpful to go through this process in front of the person you feel negatively about? Especially when often, our thoughts are confused and mixed in with our own personal shit? I can’t think of a better reason to go behind someone’s back. There, I can at least sort through my shit in a non-confrontational environment and avoid hurting someone in the process.

And this process is referred to as being two faced because you are essentially talking about someone behind their back. It mustn’t be confused with bullying; there is clearly a difference between venting your frustrations and being unkind or malicious towards another person.

What we need to remember is that everybody has unique thoughts and feelings about pretty much everything. Only, we’re often too polite to admit that we have both positive and negative feelings towards the people we care about and choose to spend time with. Often, the simple act of being close to someone results in strong negative feelings. This is completely normal; a part of testing the boundaries of your relationship and something we only do when we are comfortable with a person.

An acquaintance of mine once proudly stated: “sometimes I’ve caused an argument when I’ve been honest but I’d still rather say it to the persons face then vent behind their back”. Note ‘acquaintance’ - they were a friend until they said this.

When you say it to a persons face you invariably hurt their feelings and cause them upset, self doubt and often anger. You also run the risk of saying that one unforgivable thing that can ruin a friendship.

Asking someone to change an inherent personality or behavioural trait because it bothers you, is selfish.

We should accept people as they are. Embrace our differences. Appreciate that what one person isn’t, another person is. No one is perfect. Not in everyones eyes.

Despite this, there is an army of chavs and non-chavs alike parading around, shoving their “I’ll be frank and honest with you, even if it upsets you” T Shirts in your face, as though it’s something to be proud of. To me, this kind of attitude is one that belongs to aggressive (unhappy) confrontational people who thrive on drama.

We aren’t hard wired to get along with everyone. Until recently, I desperately wanted to be liked by all and went to some strange lengths to gain all round approval from every Tom, Dick and Harry. And then I hit 30. It is a cliche but hitting 30 did coincide with gaining some self esteem and clarity. For one, I’m not embarrassed about my once secret passion for Neil Diamond and second, I don’t mind if people find me annoying. Of course it upsets me a little if someone’s face contorts at the mere sight of me but I don’t sulk about it and I won’t go out of my way to flatter them into friendship.

I don’t want to know if I upset or annoy you. At the risk of sounding like a chavette, I know myself. It’s fine to dislike me. And I will dislike you for disliking me. After all, why like someone who doesn’t like you? What’s to like about that person? Those of you that are in my life are in my life because I like you. Yes, you might annoy me from time to time but I accept you for who you are.

Be a coward. Be two faced. Sort out your own feelings. Don’t push your negativity onto someone else. It is NOT COOL to ‘say it’ to anyones face. It is unkind, mean and a selfish act designed only to offload your frustrations.

“I’m to the point where I don’t even care nomo, anybody got a problem with me, holla upfront! I’m tired of always being humble...”

What do you think?

Cruise Terminology

mybloggywog — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 17:33:00 -0400

Abreast - Next to another ship. Something you don’t want to be caught staring at.

Aft - the ships rear end aka ships bottom.

Air Conditioning - a loud device in the ceiling of your Stateroom (see) that circulates air and controls room temperature but stops you sleeping at night. Also known to cause dry skin, rashes, bloating, fat knee caps and sore throat.

At Sea - you are in the middle of the ocean in a Floating Hotel (see) and can’t leave.

Autosoap - handy device situated in Water Closets (see) and at the entrance to all dining areas. Overly hygienic, Autosoap is designed to stop the spread of bacteria; a possible plague might break out from one snotty guest, causing the inevitable death of all on board. The ship may then hit an iceberg because nobody is alive to steer it, causing the ship to sink. Oddly, many years later, a scuba diver locates the ship and arranges for it to be lifted. Once the ship is in the shipyard, a watertight chamber is found and unbelievably, the Captain is still alive and well, eating Captains Dinner with four old cronies who have Entitlement Issues (see) and six Philipino waiters.

Balcony - a private outdoor seating area joined to your stateroom, costing an additional £300 per day.

Bow - the ships front bottom. Also known as Prow (see).

Buffet - everything you could possibly want to fill your cakehole with, 24 hours a day. Also known as Swill Bucket.

Cabin - your Stateroom (see).

Captain - the man or woman in charge of the ship. Often revered. Especially by the elderly. Spends more time hosting the Captains Dinner (see) than steering the Ship.

Captains Dinner - a privilege only reserved for guests with Entitlement Issues (see), a Balcony (see), a Porthole or for Professional Complainers (see).

Chair Hog - person who wakes at 5am to leave a towel and piece of personal clothing (usually used underwear) on the best deckchair by the pool then returns to use it only once for 30 minutes at midday aka CHOG.

CHOG - Chair Hog (see).

Course - the route the ship takes. Part of your a la carte evening meal, which may contain up to six.

Crew Concern - feelings of guilt and concern for the crew’s opinion of you when you order room service for the second time in a day. “They must think I’m a right fat bastard”.

Crew Members - members of staff who treat guests with utmost respect, always say “hello” and never say “no”. They are being paid. I’m sure they mean it though.

Cruise - A journey round the coastline of several countries in a hotel that floats.

Cruising - The secretive practice of visiting the rooms of guests in the hope that one might have sex with you.

Cruise Ship - a hotel that floats. But you can’t leave unless it’s a Port Day (see).

Cruise Sickness - not to be confused with Sea Sickness (see). Extreme weight gain can occur when suffering Cruise Sickness with the side effect of Crew Concern (see).

Cruise TV - a channel dedicated to interviewing Entertainers featured in the Daily Programme and featuring shops on board to encourage spending. Often presented by an orange person.

Daily Programme - A piece of paper delivered to your Cabin listing the times and location of Bridge Club, Friends of Dorothy, Napkin Folding Class and the daily Ruth Ellis Lecture.

Deck - The thing you walk on.

Disembark - getting off the ship.

Dock - when the ship parks at a new and exciting coastal city such as Amsterdam, Venice and Dubronik. On such days, you have 4 - 6 hours to do EVERYTHING a tourist must do.

Elastics - a handy component to have in your clothing when on a Cruise Ship and suffering from Cruise Sickness (see).

Elegant Casual Dress - No sportswear, nipple tassles, shorts, hot pants, flip flops, trainers or jeans.

Embark - getting on the Cruise Ship.

Entertainment Staff - creatures who work one hour a day and spend their remaining time eating the 24 hour buffet and lounging around the pool.

Entitlement Issues - the attitude of those who start to take the amazing service for granted, start to believe that they are entitled to this service and behave like a bastard to Crew Members (see).

Floating Hotel - Cruise Ship (see) Fore - the pointy thing / mast at the front bottom of the ship. The pointy thing at the front bottom of a male.

Formal Wear - Dress Super Posh.

Friends Of Bill - an on board meeting for recovering alcoholics Listed on the Daily Programme (see) in the smallest font, so as to not offend Guests (see).

Friends Of Dorothy - an on board meeting of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transexual people. Listed on the Daily Programme (see) in the smallest font, so as to not offend Guests (see).

Gangplank - a walkway used for guests to enter / leave the ship. A walkway which can be used At Sea (see) to deposit CHOGS (see) into the ocean.

Gratuities - that thing you’re expected to pay to crew members, despite paying £2000 per fortnight. Aka a Tip.

Guests - those who pay £2000 for a cruise and either 1. can afford it, subsequently developing Entitlement Issues (see) or 2. can only just afford it, subsequently developing Crew Concern (see).

Internal Cabin - There are no windows.

Luxurious Jail - A Cruise Ship.

Musician - someone who doesn’t get enough gigs and whose chops aren’t quite up to scratch and / or someone who is perfectly capable of getting good gigs but tries cruising out, decides it’s quite fun, becomes an alcoholic, loses their chops and can never leave.

Orange Medley - A milk chocolate delicately flavoured with the scent of the finest orange.

Plastic Fantastic - The texture of most deserts on board. Designed with the toothless elderly in mind.

Port - the left side of the ship.

Port Day - a day when the ship is in Dock (see).

Porthole - a small window that costs an extra £100 per day.

Professional Complainers - Guests who have little in their lives and find pleasure in complaining. They are so called ‘professional’ because their efforts are often rewarded with discounts and freebies such as an invitation to the Captains Dinner.

Prow - the ships front bottom. Also known as Bow (see).

Purser - person or office responsible for all administration, documents, financial transactions and guest welfare. They primarily deal with guests who faint on receipt of their gratuities bill. “This Cabin costs £2000 per fortnight, and I’m expected to my gratuities to the crew as well?” Attendants at the pursers desk ironically purse their lips whenever a request is made that they can’t but want to say “no” to.

Rebuffer - The elderly lady who rebuffs a possible jewelry purchase from the on-board jeweler when learning its price. “I don’t want to spend that much. I’ll be dead in a few years”.

Rickie - Philipino waiter who remembers you like soya milk with your tea, water without the ice and asks “would you like your cheese now?” at just the right moment.

Room Service - that thing you order when you have already eaten three large meals and just want a ‘taster’, often resulting in Crew Concern (see).

Sea Sickness - not to be confused with Cruise Sickness (see). Involves vomiting from the relentless swaying and juddering of a ship At Sea (see).

Semi - Formal Wear - Ladies can wear trousersuits, skirts and blouses or a dress and men can wear a suit with an optional bow tie. Aka slight erection at the sight of the cruise dancers.

Starboard - the right hand side of the ship.

Stateroom - Your cabin (see). AKA plastic box with loud air conditioning unit yet very comfortable bed. Staterooms are situated in long corridors which look the same and go on forever.

Stern - the ships bottom - the most rear point of the ship. The expression on the face of the Pursers office attendant when you ask them to turn the air condition unit off in your room, because it’s so noisy you can’t sleep.

Teabagger - a little old lady who steals the free tea bags from the buffet area and stashes them in her suitcase. The little old lady’s husband regularly dangles his pair on her face in the morning, as one might dip a teabag into a warm cup of tea. She likes it.

Tender - A little boat that takes you from the cruise ship to shore on port days.

Vomit Ease - Sea Sickness (see) treatment.

Water Closet - posh way of saying ‘bog’, so as not to offend guests.

Cruising (Part 2)

mybloggywog — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 18:02:00 -0400

I forgot what day it was today, twice. My three days aboard The Prince Albert feel like three weeks and I have spent my days aboard in my cabin; writing, watching TV and ordering room service. I did however venture into The Sun Lounge earlier today to engage in some light cruis-erly reading. The lounger chairs remind me of those found in a nursing home and sometimes, if you are unlucky, you might sit down, smell the ammonia and move on.

When I order on room service, I am primarily drawn to deserts that wobble and look a bit plastic fantastic; I don’t realise they are plastic fantastic at the time of ordering and they do taste okay but the texture is slimy. It is at least a perfect desert choice for elderly guests who struggle to chew when their falsies are or aren’t in. And a rather obvious choice for the menu considering the many elderly guests on board.

We get to keep the slippers provided in our cabin. And the dressing gown. I also plan to stock up on posh tea bags in individual wrappers, ship branded chocolate (a perfect gift for my friends back home) and designer toiletries. Room service is 24 hours a day in addition to the constant buffet and the a la carte restaurant we can dine in three times a day. The gym is up to date and I’ve used that a few times already.

This cruise seems like the perfect excuse to rest up. After all, I’ve needed a break for five years and all I can do whilst at sea is sleep, eat, drink, read, watch TV and exercise. You’d think I had it made wouldn’t you?

The hours feel like days and the days feel like weeks.

On day two of the cruise I couldn’t take the ring off my middle finger and my skin is dry and spotty. Why am I spending the majority of my time sat on my bed watching documentaries about death and Shirley Bassey? Why aren’t I on deck enjoying the sunsets and views?

This is why I think I’m not getting along with cruising; cruising is like staying in a hotel, but you can’t leave whilst at sea. Despite the lovely decor and sweet people, when the option of leaving is removed you are trapped on board in this luxurious jail.

On sea days you are dropped off at a port to explore a beautiful city. But when you remove the land journey, it’s a strange approach to visiting somewhere new. Imagine you are staying in a hotel and a great big hand reaches down from the heavens and picks the hotel up, pulling it from it’s foundations.

The hand then plonks the hotel down in the middle of Amsterdam. “Here is Amsterdam”, booms a big loud voice from way up above. “I hope you have a pleasant day. Highlights include the beautiful canals, legalised cannabis and the red light district. Please return to the hotel in six hours”. Thousands of cruisers leave the hotel and file into the city of Amsterdam. They frantically purchase snow globes, postcards and badges with Amsterdam written on. They invade the best restaurants and eat the finest spaghetti. They wander into Dam Square and have a customary photograph taken outside the famous Oude Kerk. And after cramming in as much culture as they can, six hours later they file back into the hotel and retreat to their rooms to lay out their purchases on neatly made beds. They marvel at the chocolate on the pillows and flowers in vases and change into formal wear for a three course a la carte evening meal.

And while the cruisers are sleeping that night, the big hand once again reaches through the heavens, uproots the hotel and proceeds to transport it and it’s occupants to a new destination. The following morning a familiar voice booms: “here is Gibraltar. I hope you have a pleasant day. Highlights include The Rock, and Barbary Apes, Europe’s only wild monkey. Please return to the hotel in six hours”.

It becomes difficult to join the dots together and appreciate how the puzzle fits when you travel like this. It feels unreal; too good to be true. And I don’t appreciate it.

Cruising (Part 1)

mybloggywog — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 18:58:00 -0400

I first cruised several years ago on The Regal Chocolatean. I found the whole experience to be so horrendous, I vowed never to cruise again. However, I must have forgotten the true hell of that first cruise because I am once again sat in sealed plastic box listening to the loud whir of air conditioning on a cruise ship in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea. All aboard the Prince Albert! Home for 7 days whilst Irish and I create and run Rock n’ Sole; The Prince Albert Guests Choir.

Irish and I have been very excited about our paid holiday as aside from working a five hour week, we haven’t seen each other for quite a while and will have plenty of time to catch up. I even purchased a new wash bag for the occasion, complete with new toothbrush. I forgot how nice it is to use a new toothbrush with neatly aligned bristles that weren’t splayed in every direction but the direction they should be.

On the day of our arrival, it took 11 hours to reach our destination; 2 by car, 2 in an airport lounge, 3 by plane, 2.5 by car, 30 minutes by car ferry and 60 minutes by tender boat. We were starving when we boarded the cruise ship - despite having already eaten 3 breakfasts - and immediately located the buffet.

On my first cruise aboard The Regal Chocolatean, I had been taken aback - and scared - by the all-singing all-dancing crew who quite literally tap-danced us into our staterooms.

Each day on The Regal involved a long discussion between myself and one of the guests about the latest animal shape our towels had been folded into that morning and how amazing the house band had - not - been the evening beforehand. Ladies were not allowed to wear trousers on formal day and the 24 hour buffet was filled with fat, sweaty, loud Americans who did nothing but eat at the 24 hour buffet. And the only time I didn’t feel sea sick was when I was lying down or in the swimming pool. I spent two weeks lying down in my plastic cell ordering the only thing I could stomach - ready salted crisps - on room service.

On The Prince Albert there is thankfully no sea sickness and it is Irish and I who are the greedy fuckers. Pecking at the 24 hour buffet each time we pass, we pile up our two (or three) plates as high as we can at mealtimes. Despite it being an ‘all you can eat’ buffet, I still line my salad bowl with cucumber so I can add an extra layer of coleslaw to the top. “We aren’t in Pizza Hut Emilie”, said Irish as I lined my salad bowl at lunch today. “I am Northern”, I replied.

The guests on board are fairly slimline on the whole. Not at all greedy. And quite classy. But they do complain. Today was a formal wear day and I strode into the restaurant in my beautiful ethnic cotton dungarees. I put heels on for the occasion, completely unaware this outfit was not formal enough. Thankfully men are stupid. The male manager who had the power to turn me away did not do so because, like my boyfriend he thought my dungarees were a dress. Handy that. According to Irish, I did get a few looks from fellow diners but I didn’t notice. And anyway, there’s more to life than the pair of cotton dungarees someone else is wearing. And if it really bothers you, you deserve a slap. I had nice makeup, hair and shoes on and looked very smart actually. But this is one of the things I hate about cruising; how pretentious it all is.

I also hate how all of the predominantly white guests openly gawp at the only mixed race couple.

I have only two goals for this cruise, aside from keeping my sanity. The first is to eat as much as I like, and eat what I like, but visit the gym at least once per day so I don’t feel guilty about eating as much as I like and eating what I like. The second - and most important goal - is to not gain weight. And this is a long shot considering the amount of food I’ve already consumed. It’s only day two.

And this is a luxurious jail.