"The first thing I did when you left was a massive fart! Don’t tell anyone. It’s the curry. I’m not a constantly farting wench!"
This was possibly not the best thing to text to a bloke I’ve only known a week, or anyone for that matter. He didn’t reply…
Some men just don’t like the idea or actuality that women fart too.
But come on!
We are a nation of anal terrorists!
Even though each and every booty releases up to half a litre of anal oxide a day, women often go to great lengths to cover up this elementary function.
Being a vegan, I have an excessively musical butt which comes to life on many musical occasions; most commonly when I am teaching a new singing student the art of breathing from the diaphragm. Oh and gigs… Whilst singing Mustang Sally (aka Poontang Sally) I have been known to lay out a raucous and deadly gust which is thankfully masked by the funky bass line. But who can blame my poor ass? Any musician will clarify that Mustang Sally is the most requested and hated song for a musician to perform; it’s no wonder nasty gastric reactions occur when playing it.
Despite my talking pants, I am proud to say that over the last 10 years I have become an expert in anal peace and have coined the term Fart Secrecy for Ladies (TM Public Emilie 2011).
I am a tad concerned that unleashing my impressive findings on the general public will result in a plague of sulking pets and smelly cushions but I cannot keep these highly tuned skills to myself. If all I am to be remembered for is Fart Secrecy for Ladies (TM Public Emilie 2011) then so be it. So, I hereby share with you Tips 1 - 5 in Fart Secrecy for Ladies (TM Public Emilie 2011). Tips 6-10 will follow on request, which can be made in the comments section below this article.
1. Suck It Up The best way to cover up a fart is to NOT fart. This means sucking it up when you are bursting for a trump. Possible Side Effect: The fart doesn’t actually disappear. It travels back into your intestine for later release and may cause tummy ache.
2. The Slow Release is a safe bet but requires solitary honing. This technique involves a fine balance of anal contraction and diaphragm support; thus enabling a steady and soundless airflow. Positioning your posterior against a cushion is a recommended safety net should your fart be of the silent but deadly nature. The cushion will soak up odorous vapour. As a master of fart secrecy, I have of course successfully farted in this manner on many occasions.
3. Blame It on the dog or cat. Obvious, but works a treat; especially if you a cup a little backblast in your hand and rub it into Freddy’s fur.
4. Lady FartProclaim in a cheeky voice, 'That may have been a little flatulette’. This way your fart is seen as small in measure to it’s male counterpart.
5. Sound Over Sound Make regular visits to the toilet and fart whilst running the tap and simultaneously flushing the loo. Sound over sound. Nice one.
And to finish up, I enclose a lovely letter from James Joyce to his beautiful wife Nora. James was a fan of his lady’s farts. A delightful man. Nora was one of the few fortunates that didn’t have to suppress her natural bodily functions. The cow…
"My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I fucked you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest fucking I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, fucking in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora’s fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night."
From James to Nora, 1909. 'Selected Letters of James Joyce'.