January 2011
17 posts
21 tags
The Hairdresser
I’m not the kind of women who has beauty treatments and I rarely visit the hairdresser; preferring to cut my own hair with the kitchen scissors. But today, I decided to treat myself and booked in for highlights and a restyle at the local hair salon.
I was disappointed with my hairdresser because I wanted the mustachioed and creative-looking camp man who was working on the women sat next...
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Fart Secrecy for Ladies
“The first thing I did when you left was a massive fart! Don’t tell anyone. It’s the curry. I’m not a constantly farting wench!”
This was possibly not the best thing to text to a bloke I’ve only known a week, or anyone for that matter. He didn’t reply…
Some men just don’t like the idea or actuality that women fart too.
But come...
15 tags
A Prayer To The God Of Breast Renunciation
I create this publication to express my desperation
This is the explanation for my breast fixation!
You see Mr Hasted, my fascination is not due to sexual depravation
I have a great BIG problem known as mammary dramatisation
My current calculations result in the estimation
That downward navigation - gravitation - is my expectation
It will surely come without permanent wired elevation
...
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The Most Fabulous Act Of Revenge
Last year, a great injustice was inflicted upon me when I was unfairly barred from shopping at my local pet shop. I did something truly despicable and immature in what was the most fabulous act of revenge.
I was first barred in 2006. After a nice main course with the friends in Wetherspoons of North Finchley, my cheesecake still hadn’t arrived long after the friends had eaten their own....
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Top 15 Favourite Songs Of All Time
A fairly self indulgent blog to summarise the songs that set me on fire.
To put it simply, a great song is as good as a great orgasm. An aural orgasm if you must.
Blue - Joni Mitchell (Blue, 1971)
Coconut - Harry Nilsson (Nillson Schmillson, 1971)
Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks (Bella Donna, 1982)
Hurt - Johnny Cash (America IV: The Man Comes Around, 2003)
Fruit Tree - Nick Drake...
6 tags
Inappropriate Me
I often say really inappropriate things when I shouldn’t. Mostly because I try to be appropriate. The level of my inappropriateness ranges from a small slip up to the downright shocking.
One sure way to extract the inappropriate in me is to book me for a gig where audience banter is required. Good audience banter is an art form and it takes a certain kind of performer to quickly assess a...
9 tags
Dogging Around: 1. The Dave Gorman legacy
This is Dave Gorman.
When I picked him up from Battersea, he had been temporarily named Dave and I decided to keep it. After all, Dave is a good strong name and suggests mental stability and a solid strong demeanor. I added the surname ‘Gorman’ in honour of my love for the comedian Dave Gorman. As human Dave Gorman and doggy Dave Gorman were both facebook friends of mine,...
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OCD: Fond memories
My earliest memories of squaring are from staying in Mablethorpe with my family in one of those tatty - but luxury for us, a working class family - caravan parks.
I slept on the bottom bunk because I had a heightened sense of protection for my little sister; I always worried about what might happen to her if the top bunk fell through and I was on it..
There were lots of little pin...
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This Toe
My friend with this toe.
She doesn’t care that she’s got this toe.
I envy her body confidence.
Although she does sleep with drunken Irish pub landlords (who have bad teeth).
4 tags
Regina
Certain names remind me of certain kinds of people. The name doesn’t necessarily relate to the person who owns it; in some cases a person does look like their name, but occasionally I’ll come across a David who is clearly a Nigel and that fucks me right off
Take for example the name Regina.
The name Regina reminds of vagina.
Regina, regina, vagina, vagina, regina, regina, vagina,...
the opening...
Every time I get a little drunk, I set up a new blog. The last was at 2am this morning on New Years day and I’ve since deleted it.
I have three other blogs. One is over-sexualised and I can’t openly admit to it being mine, so it’s rather private aside from the few hundred followers who use it for sexual gratification and don’t know me due to the alter ego. The second...