February 2012
5 posts
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How to use a Custom Domain Name with Tumblr and...
A few months ago I decided I wanted my blog to have it’s own web address and paid for .com with Godaddy.
But, setting this thing up has not been easy. I am fairly computer literate and even know a bit about coding, html and java but still, could still not figure this out. And neither could my partner who is a professional programmer, web builder and content designer.
There are two...
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Iceland's Bogus Card
Since supermarket chain Iceland opened in fair Whitstable in 2009, I have shopped there at least a couple of times a week. They are the only place that sell Linda McCartney sausages for £1 a pack. But who am I to justify my use of Iceland? Perhaps I’m worried my Whitstable readership will tut in disgust. After all, the arrival of Iceland was fiercely opposed to by many Whitstable residents. I,...
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The Trouble with Teaching Music
“But, you’re singing a soul standard and you sound like a cheap cabaret singer. Who are you trying to emulate?”
Last week. James’ first singing lesson. Spoken by me, the ever-frustrated music teacher.
James booked his first singing lesson with me in lieu of auditioning for the latest in TV talent shows; BBC’s The Voice, and, he wanted to sound like Stevie...
November 2011
2 posts
The Defensive Tradesman
Whenever I phone a tradesman for a quote, they are keen and pleasant and promptly arrange to come and check out my goods. And after a short-lived scramble amongst my pipes - sweaty arse cleavage upturned - they roll over and stand, overly exerted and shake their podgy head. “Tut, tut, tut…” is the sound they make as they frown and raise a dirty hand to a sweatier brow. A bead of sweat...
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Too Faced
“If you can’t say it to their face, don’t say it at all”.
I never did subscribe to that chain of thought and I can’t understand why others do. The idea that it’s a good thing to tell someone why they bother you to their face completely baffles me. Why? Because I believe in being ‘two faced’ and I’m going to tell you why, for once, to your face.
But first I will openly admit that I am...
October 2011
3 posts
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Cruise Terminology
Abreast - Next to another ship. Something you don’t want to be caught staring at.
Aft - the ships rear end aka ships bottom.
Air Conditioning - a loud device in the ceiling of your Stateroom (see) that circulates air and controls room temperature but stops you sleeping at night. Also known to cause dry skin, rashes, bloating, fat knee caps and sore throat.
At Sea - you are in the middle of the...
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Cruising (Part 2)
I forgot what day it was today, twice. My three days aboard The Prince Albert feel like three weeks and I have spent my days aboard in my cabin; writing, watching TV and ordering room service. I did however venture into The Sun Lounge earlier today to engage in some light cruis-erly reading. The lounger chairs remind me of those found in a nursing home and sometimes, if you are unlucky, you might...
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Cruising (Part 1)
I first cruised several years ago on The Regal Chocolatean. I found the whole experience to be so horrendous, I vowed never to cruise again. However, I must have forgotten the true hell of that first cruise because I am once again sat in sealed plastic box listening to the loud whir of air conditioning on a cruise ship in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea. All aboard the Prince Albert! Home for...
July 2011
2 posts
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Happiness and Loneliness (Song)
I wrote a song today. From the moment I woke until 5.30pm I hammered it out and it was bloody hard. Tears. Anger. Wanting to quit. At 9pm I went to The Smack in Whistable and performed it at their open mic night.
I’m a gig whore who performs only covers and it’s been so long since I just got out and performed a song of my own. And on a guitar - not my forte. It was scary but...
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The Hug
I often think about being hugged, really tightly, by a man
And I cry.
A friend hugged me.
He knew I needed it.
The lump in my throat sank
And I held it in.
Is it my old partner; the one I loved for so long who in the end couldn’t want me, even though he wanted to?
Maybe it’s my father; twice this month I have reached for the phone. But he died three years ago and I...
June 2011
1 post
19 tags
Bob's Your Uncle, Fanny's Your Aspiration
Too many ladies get into shitty situations with men because they don’t know how to ‘read between the lines’ and decipher what men are really saying. And most men know how to manipulate a lady into dropping her frillies by using a verbal tool I call ‘The Knight In Shining Twat’. When ‘The Knight In Shining Twat’ is utilised in an agreeable set of...
May 2011
3 posts
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Oh fuck off, title box.
Four and a half weeks ago I smoked The Last Fag and since that day I have been in a terrible depression.
I forgot about the hopelessness and the crying. It has been six years since I cried and meant it but now I remember.
I’m a prick. I have been happy these last six years and I have been a twat.“You can change how you feel”, I self righteously suggested to a depressed friend. “Look...
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BALLS
I have found my balls. Fortunately they aren’t little hairy elbow-skin-like sacks between my legs and are in fact… oh fuck knows. Testosterone courses through my gentile veins and guts, yes guts, I have them too! And I’m not behaving like a complete pussy and it is no doubt a by-product of Nicotine withdrawal but I’m grateful because I. HAVE. FOUND. MY. BALLS.
I have...
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The Last Fag : Chapter 3
Brrring brring. Brrring brring.
“Hello. Estuary View Pharmacy”.
“Hi. I’m ringing to register for the Stop Smoking Service. I quit 10 days ago and only have two days of Nicotine Patches left. Can I please book an appointment to register? I was told I could get free Patches if I register…”
“We can’t book you in at such short notice. We do have appointments available next week if...
April 2011
9 posts
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Loneliness and Happiness
Yesterday I defrosted my freezer, dug my vegetable patch, got my bike fixed for free based on my feminine wiles, easy smile and massive hooters, took a 2 hour bike ride where someone yelled ‘nice arse’ at me and went to a fabulous deli for vegan goodies.
Today I cleaned out my fridge, planted my vegetables, went to the garden centre and cycled some more. And this evening I met my...
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How To Tell If A Guy Likes You?
Well bugger me. It seems I’m writing about my crush, Crush, again.
In case you were wondering, since I blogged How To Ask A Man Out? there has been no romantic development with Crush. I said I would ask him out after my last blog and I didn’t. I chickened out. I’m a big pussy.
When the moment I COULD have asked him out arrived, he was at my place having made a strange...
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The Last Fag : Chapter 2
It’s amazing how after a few hours of non-smoking you feel like you’ve cracked it and want to shout to the world:
“I am a non-smoker! Now, all smokers listen to me! You can quit!”
This is what I did when I saw my friend Classy this afternoon, even though she doesn’t smoke.
However, several hours later I feel like hell; a steady trickle of snot is running out of my nose and...
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The Last Fag : Chapter 1
I normally smoke skinny little ‘prison rolls’, so named because apparently in prison, inmates are only given a meagre tobacco ration. Inmates will roll their cigarettes so tight and thin that they basically smoke rolling paper with only sprinkling of actual tobacco in there. And I roll my cigarettes in this manner because as a chronic chain smoker I can’t afford not to. I...
How To Ask A Man Out?
I write this not as a guide with tips on how to ask a man out but rather, as a plea for help.
As a recovering serial monogamist, in the past my primary relationship focus has always been to a) fulfill a need for emotional ‘security’ and b) for an ego boost. Because of this, I have never been in a relationship with a man I really liked. In fact, I have often coaxed myself into liking a man...
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Not Pregnant, Just Fat
At 00:00 today I was in a bloody good mood. I had just turned 30, hosted another successful monthly Jam Session at the local Jazz bar and was having a great post-jam conversation with the fabulous Noel McCalla.
But by 00:01 I was in a foul mood; my conversation and positive state of mind had been rudely interrupted when a drunken moron pointed at me and shouted: “look, she’s drinking and she’s...
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Mr Potato Head Strikes Back
Chapter 1: Introducing Mr Potato Head
Chapter 2: Dating Mr Potato Head
Chapter 3: Fruity Mr Potato Head
Chapter 4: Mr Potato Head, Revisited
Chapter 5: Mr Potato Head’s Gonna…
Chapter 6: Mr Potato Head’s Inner Tom Waits
Chapter 7: The Potato Head List
Chapter 8: Mr Potato Head’s Lightness Of Touch
Chapter 9: Mr Potato Head’s Game
Chapter 10: Mr Potato Head Strikes Back
Mr...
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Mr Potato Head's Game
Chapter 1: Introducing Mr Potato Head
Chapter 2: Dating Mr Potato Head
Chapter 3: Fruity Mr Potato Head
Chapter 4: Mr Potato Head, Revisited
Chapter 5: Mr Potato Head’s Gonna…
Chapter 6: Mr Potato Head’s Inner Tom Waits
Chapter 7: The Potato Head List
Chapter 8: Mr Potato Head’s Lightness Of Touch
Chapter 9: Mr Potato Head’s Game
“Why can’t I come over?” whined Mr...
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Mr Potato Head's Lightness Of Touch
Chapter 1: Introducing Mr Potato Head
Chapter 2: Dating Mr Potato Head
Chapter 3: Fruity Mr Potato Head
Chapter 4: Mr Potato Head, Revisited
Chapter 5: Mr Potato Head’s Gonna…
Chapter 6: Mr Potato Head’s Inner Tom Waits
Chapter 7: The Potato Head List
Chapter 8: Mr Potato Head’s Lightness Of Touch
The dreaded day had arrived. That night, I was going to see Mr Potato Head again...
March 2011
14 posts
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The Potato Head List
Chapter 1: Introducing Mr Potato Head
Chapter 2: Dating Mr Potato Head
Chapter 3: Fruity Mr Potato Head
Chapter 4: Mr Potato Head, Revisited
Chapter 5: Mr Potato Head’s Gonna…
Chapter 6: Mr Potato Head’s Inner Tom Waits
Chapter 7: The Potato Head List
“I’m just not sure about him!” I whined, again, to Thumbassalina.
“Well”, she replied,...
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Mr Potato Head's Inner Tom Waits
Chapter 1: Introducing Mr Potato Head
Chapter 2: Dating Mr Potato Head
Chapter 3: Fruity Mr Potato Head
Chapter 4: Mr Potato Head, Revisited
Chapter 5: Mr Potato Head’s Gonna…
Chapter 6: Mr Potato Head’s Inner Tom Waits
On the evening of valentines day I ventured into an empty Whitstable town centre with my friend Thumbassalina. We were tarted up, looking forward to...
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Mr Potato Head's Gonna...
Chapter 1: Introducing Mr Potato Head
Chapter 2: Dating Mr Potato Head
Chapter 3: Fruity Mr Potato Head
Chapter 4: Mr Potato Head, Revisited
Chapter 5: Mr Potato Head’s Gonna…
“fuck you, softly… screw you gently… hump you sweetly… ball you discreetly”.
When I opened my email on the morning of valentines day I found a valentines day gift from Mr Potato...
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Mr Potato Head, Revisited
Chapter 1: Introducing Mr Potato Head
Chapter 2: Dating Mr Potato Head
Chapter 3: Fruity Mr Potato Head
Chapter 4: Mr Potato Head, Revisited
“Will you be my girlfriend?” said Mr Potato Head, five minutes after our fruitless sex on that first date.
“Ah…”, I replied. I had hoped this would be a one time thing and quickly wracked my brain for a reply that wouldn’t hurt his...
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Fruity Mr Potato Head
Chapter 1: Introducing Mr Potato Head
Chapter 2: Dating Mr Potato Head
Chapter 3: Fruity Mr Potato Head
“You like a big dirty cock don’t you?” said - or rather stated - Mr Potato Head.
I couldn’t reply. Instead I thought: “I bet your cock was dirty before you washed it in my sink”. When I had used used the toilet after him I noticed the black pube in...
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Dating Mr Potato Head
Chapter 1: Introducing Mr Potato Head
Chapter 2: Dating Mr Potato Head
Mr Potato Head phoned me on the day of our first date.
“I’m really embarrassed”, he squawked - we had already spoken that day and despite being 35, his voice sounded as though it was in the process of breaking - “I’m at the bus station and I’ve left my debit card at home. I only have...
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Introducing Mr Potato Head
As a reader of my blog, you may have come to the conclusion that I am a bit of an idiot when it comes to relationships. And you may also wonder why I put such a lot of effort into recanting my freaky experiences. Well, I am an idiot. And I am determined to stop being an idiot. And I hope that by recanting my freaky experiences I will avoid repeating them again and again whilst providing you with...
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First 'One' Back To Mine With A Fish Supper....
I am almost 30, single and currently uninterested in any kind of relationship but, I did try dating - for the first time - earlier this year, with no success. In the past I have always been attracted to men who are exactly my age or at most, a year older or younger. Being a serial monogamist with 17 relationships under my belt, there are clearly many...
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Pie vs. Tart
Part 1: The Dream
Bound by duty, drawn by desire… Annabel moves to the small town of Black Mountain, North Carolina. She is the new girl in town and must make a new life for herself after a troublesome past. She settles in quickly, renting a charming white-picket-fence house from Margaret, a lovely elderly lady whose husband recently passed: “the house is just too big for me and full...
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Emilie The Extreme
I have a problem.
Since the age of 14 I have been single for a total of 10 months. I’m 30.
The latest episode in my cumbersome love life resulted in an epiphany of sorts and I did the maths.
The sum of my relationship anguish is 15 years and two months. A painstaking 15 years and two months of emotional bull shit. In finer detail: 132,840 hours, 7,970,400 minutes or 478, 224,000...
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Spank Me You Bitch, But Not With A Hairbrush
When you’re having your first one night stand with a man you have just met and he says “you like a dirty big cock don’t you?” how does one respond?
Having only been with virgins or one-timers I had never experienced anything like this, until a couple of months ago.
The man in question was a jolly polite Jewish boy and I was pretty shocked to hear him talk like a seasoned porn star.
...
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Tits
As I descended the escalator that cold Saturday afternoon in January, I looked at the mirrored wall opposite and perused my fellow elevator-ees. I’m always eager for new literary inspiration; the heavily mono-browed women behind me inspired an interesting character description in the novel I’m working on, and the guy a few people down was rather cute. And as I continued to scan...
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When You Gotta Go....
The summer of 2004 was one of those extremely hot and humid summers I’ll probably boast about to my Grandchildren: “I remember the summer of 2004…” I’ll reminisce, with a cock-eyed smile on my wrinkly face. “I bought the coolest lilac fan from Stoke Newington High Street. Ooh…it were hot”.
But I doubt I’ll tell them the real reason I...
February 2011
10 posts
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Reasons To Be Single
Last week I spent valentines day as a single woman, which is a hell of an achievement for me. You see, this was the first valentines day since 1996 that I’ve actually been single. And as a serial monogamist I intend to spend at least all of 2011 single.
For the first time in my life I really want to be single, regardless of who I meet. I enjoy the feeling of freedom - both emotionally and...
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Exhibitionism Anyone?
Lately, my friend Irish and I have been a bit depressed.
As retail therapy ‘apparently’ helps with depression, Irish and I decided to purchase classy full-length coats. I felt depressed afterwards as my new coat hadn’t instantly changed my life or made me feel remotely classy; it’s hard to feel classy when your £2 Primark knickers have holes in. And Irish was yet...
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Good Chav Bad Chav
Last year my ex: twatface and I decided to go on a short holiday to Whitby. The purpose of our trip? To celebrate my 29th birthday and have lots of sex as we had been lacking in that department for quite some time. So, we booked two nights at a Guesthouse that had great online reviews.
“Really lovely, very friendly couple, feels like home”, said Betty and Graham from...
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“The best voice you’ll ever have is your own.”
– In relation to singing, the right to self expression and speaking out for anything you believe in.
Em Peasgood (aka Public Emilie): Teacher, Musician & Writer
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How To Have A Sense Of Humour
As I wander around my empty house - void of human life aside from myself and my furry friends - I wonder, am I lonely?
When I was living with my ex-boyfriend (aka twat face), I relished time spent alone. The minute he left for work I’d visibly relax, fart loudly, watch chick flicks and eat a shag load of Kettle Chips. And I’d love it when he went away for a few days at a time.
...
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Perfume
Perfume is something that evades me: the simple, straight-talking and thrifty Northerner. I am of course referring the smelly stuff I like to call ‘posh piss’ and sadly not the film ‘Perfume’ which has that amazing mass orgy at the end.
And today it hit home that I must smell like a tramps purse. I’m slightly concerned that ‘tramps purse’ is in...
January 2011
21 posts
21 tags
The Hairdresser
I’m not the kind of women who has beauty treatments and I rarely visit the hairdresser; preferring to cut my own hair with the kitchen scissors. But today, I decided to treat myself and booked in for highlights and a restyle at the local hair salon.
I was disappointed with my hairdresser because I wanted the mustachioed and creative-looking camp man who was working on the women sat next...